I ran through a maze of backstage corridors, desperately trying to make it back to the Spike TV Video Game Awards in time for Dave Navarro to give me a stupid prize. Finally, I found the way back into the show. And only one gentle old man was blocking my way. Unfortunately, that man was Stan Lee.
Stan Lee? No. Not here. Not now. But… STAN LEE. I had to talk to him. Stan looked so vital, I idiotically asked if he had been bathing in Ra’s al Ghul’s Lazarus Pit to stay young, or was it not cool for a Marvel guy to use the life-prolonging magic from the DC universe? Stan, the eternal Ham, told me he wanted another guest spot on The Simpsons. I said of course, if the strike ever ended — which reminded me of my plan to end it by bearing my WGA shirt on a basic cable channel. I had to go.
I made it back to my seat just as Dave Navarro taking the stage. Whew! Since everything Spike TV does is “radical,” instead of opening an envelope, Dave revealed The Simpsons Game’s victory by pulling over a sexy lady wearing only body paint — with Homer Simpson drawn on her boobs, and Bart peeking around her crotch. (Feminist Lisa, I think, was drawn on her butt.)
I’ve never seen Matt Groening so aroused and appalled at the same time.
As planned, I pulled off my jacket, proudly displaying my WGA emblem. We donned looks of fake surprise and took to the stage. When Dave Navarro saw my red shirt, he gave me a big dude-hug. We did it. We won the award we knew we were going to win. And I got to show off my union pride. Screw you, food poisoning.
After a taking in few rounds of the next night’s Ultimate Fighting Championship (certainly, the death sport most resembling prison sex), we enjoyed Hans Klok’s The Beauty of Magic show. (For a trick where Hans disappeared from a box and “teleported” into the audience moments later, I like to think he used one of those Tesla machines from The Prestige, and that under the stage was a confused, drowning Klok clone.)
Back at home Sunday night, I eagerly turned on the Spike TV Video Game Awards broadcast to witness my pre-arranged triumph. When Dave Navarro called out “The Simpsons Game,” the camera zoomed in on a dorky guy in a bright red shirt with a DIGITALLY BLURRED LOGO on the front.
Those bastards. Those Viacom-owned bastards. To watch myself gamely pumping my fists and smiling like a doofus, with that blurry, indistinct red t-shirt… it’s heartbreaking. Curse you Spike TV, for censoring my feeble support for my cause. Bless you Spike TV for giving me a free vacation to Las Vegas that I would price at about $1500. So, mostly, bless you.