It’s the end of the year, and all the critics are churning out their “Best of 2007” lists. My colleague Lev Grossman has so many that I would be hard pressed to choose my ten best lists among of all his “Ten Best” lists. Anyway, here’s my list:
BEST EBAY ITEM I DIDN’T BUY BUT WISH I BOUGHT
A quilt made of Jimmy Buffet concert t-shirts
BEST EXPLANATION FOR HULK HOGAN’S DIVORCE FROM WIFE LINDA
It’s an evil scheme by Rowdy Roddy Piper, Yuri Badenov, and the Rock ‘N’ Wrestling heels. The Iron Sheik dressed himself up as Hulk, and The Fabulous Moolah pretended to be Linda, and in their clever disguises they poisoned the marriage. Hopefully the Junkyard Dog and Andre the Giant can unmask these villains before the divorce is finalized!
BEST LIST OF MIDDLE EARTH PORN MAGAZINE TITLES I FOUND IN A DRAWER IN MY OFFICE
Playboy: Girls of the Third Age, Enthouse, Letters to Enthouse, Orcs Illustrated: Swimsuit Issue, Shaved Sauron, Numenorean Sorority Sluts, Mandalf, The Quim-arillion, Barely Smeagol
BEST BOOK OF 2004 THAT IS BETTER THAN ANY BOOK OF 2007
Cloud Atlas by David Mitchell (Prove me wrong)
BEST RECOVERED MEMORY OF CHILDHOOD PLAGIARISM
1982: Read the Mad Magazine parody lyrics to The Greatest American Hero theme song, then passed them off as my own during a sleepover at James Allegro’s house. Fraud later exposed by Allegro.
BIGGEST SURPRISE IN HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS
Magic cannot be used to MAKE FOOD.
MOST BAFFLING INSULTS HEARD DURING HALO 3 ONLINE
Anoid, scrotus, assy, horkwad, and kike (How did they know? Was I playing Jewish?)
BEST HEADLINE ABOUT ARTHUR C. CLARKE IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ARTHUR C. CLARKE