PERSON OF THE YEAR: Q &A — Vladimir Putin Answers 10 Questions About Harry Potter

In his interview with TIME, the Russian President reveals a few more secrets, answering the same questions asked to Person of the Year runner-up J.K. Rowling
1. Why doesn’t Fred appear in the woods at the end as well?

There are snipers in the woods. Do not stray from the Dacha, it is very dangerous. I cannot protect you outside the Dacha.
2. Did Harry die?

Many people, including journalists, are tempted to make a little bit more money here and there, which means they get involved with entrepreneurs, sometimes with criminal businessmen. If this “Harry” became involved with such people, death is a possibility.
3. What was that creature in the corner at King’s Cross?
Perhaps it was NATO, a putrid corpse of the Cold War.
4. What was Dumbledore’s wand made of?

Polonium 210… I mean, how would I know? That wand had nothing to do with the radiation poisoning of Alexander Litvinenko, if that is what you are implying.
5. What did Dumbledore really see in the Mirror of Erised?

Well, Dumbledore is a well-known гомосексуально. If he were to look into a mirror which reflected his strongest desire… BOISHE MOI!!!
6. Where do wizard children go to school before Hogwarts?
Hogwarts is a Western institution, one which purposefully creates a negative image of Russia in an attempt to influence our internal and foreign policies. I prefer Durmstrang.
7. Are Harry and Voldemort related?
In America, I saw a message on the bumper of an automobile declaring a political alliance between Cheney and Voldemort. Russia has no intention of joining such military-political blocs because that would be tantamount to restricting its sovereignty.
8. Who does Draco Malfoy marry?

I would like to take the time here to address alleged similarities between myself and a small man by the name of Dobby. This is absurd. I wear tailored suits. Dobby wears a sack, with a filthy sock for a hat.

9. Where do the main characters work as adults?
To continue, Vladimir Putin is the President of Russia. Dobby House Elf is the leader of a group of dirty, subjugated, ugly peasants. There is no similarity between us. Other than the height thing.
10. Was Teddy Lupin a werewolf?
Absolutely not. Teddy Lupin is a Metamorphmagus, as is Tonks. Many do not know this, but Tonks is a Hufflepuff. I have great admiration for Tonks. (An aide whispers something to Putin. He is visibly upset.) What? Dead? No! It cannot be! Not Tonks — not my Nymphadora! Not Vladdy’s Nymphy! Tonks! TONKS!!!