Video Game Violence Holiday Roundup

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SYRACUSE, New York (AP) — Police and firefighters were called in to break up what was described as an “all-out riot” between members of the Sigma Chi and Pi Kappa Alpha fraternities. According to witnesses, the adjacent fraternity houses were both playing a popular version of the video game Rock Band, called “Beer Rock Band,” when the wireless guitars, drumsticks and microphone controls of the nearby games started interfering with their neighbor’s controls. Despite strident requests from both groups, neither fraternity would cease their playing. Four buildings, seventeen cars and two Xbox 360s were destroyed in the rioting. Observers described the rules of Beer Rock Band as, every time you lose a round of Rock Band, you drink a beer.

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin (CNN) — Kenneth Gurman, 35, was taken to an emergency room on Christmas Eve — his genitals apparently caught in a hole that had been drilled in the middle of the disc for the video game Portal. According to his roommate, Kenneth fell in love “some chick named Gladys or Glados or something from the game.” “Kenny said he had to ‘get his cake on,’ whatever that means,” said the roommate. “He wanted to put his blue portal in her orange box.”

EUGENE, Oregon (AP) — Police announced today that they have discovered the body of a fifteenth plumber, the latest in a series of grisly crimes perpetrated by the serial murderer known as “The Super Mario Killer.” The latest victim was Datev Abulian, 50, a sewer worker of Armenian descent. “He sure looked Italian, though,” said his brother, Yeznig. “Now he’s never a-gonna win.”

LORDAERON, Azeroth (Reuters) — A family of skeletons returning home from a holiday party were murdered by a roaming group of living adventurers, an attack local authorities are calling a hate crime. “This premeditated and brutal assault was clearly racially-motivated,” said Sergeant Ribworth “Ribsy” McFemur. “As the warm-bloods were hacking the family to pieces, cries of ‘die bone-face’ and ‘back to the grave, boney’ were clearly heard. And on Skull-mas, too. It just makes me sick.” Police are offering a reward of a hundred skullars for any information leading to the arrest and flesh-eating of the attackers.

STROUDSBURG, Pennsylvania (Reuters) — Jason Sanchez, 10, received superficial abrasions to the exposed flesh of his buttocks after he refused to stop playing his Nintendo DS during Christmas dinner. When asked to close the DS and halt his game of Pokemon Diamond, he reportedly told his father, Juan, 45, “When I get to a save point, dickhead!” Moments later, a full-fledged spanking was in progress. The DS was last seen in the kitchen garbage disposal.