THE INCREDIBLE HULK (NEW MEXICO)
Hulk vote for Huckabee. Huckabee not believe in evolution. Hulk not believe in evolution. Creationism seem smart to Huckabee and Hulk. What about fossil record, say puny Banner? Fossils put there by God to test Hulk’s faith. Hulk smash fossil record! VOTE HULKABEE!!!
SHELOB (TORECH UNGOL)
You know, I was torn on this one. As a single, working mother, I’d love to see a woman in the White House. Especially a lady like Hilary, whose values I feel are close to my own. However, as I have experienced firsthand the hardships of being black, there’s a palpable need to support Obama. And when it comes down to it, I have got to go with my girl Oprah — BARACK IN THE HOUSE!
BORG THREE OF EIGHT (THE DELTA QUADRANT)
Resistance to Dennis Kucinich is futile. Resistance to Kucinich’s informed and compassionate position on the Iraq War is futile. Resistance to Kucinich’s comprehensive program to halt global climate change is futile. Resistance to Kucinich’s surprisingly hot wife is futile. You will be assimilated by Kucinich.
BRUNDLEFLY (GIANT GARBAGE PILE)
Well, I cotton to that Fred Thompson fella. He’s a real man with real values. And good-looking, too! He’s like me — one handsome dude. By no means a mottled, drooling scab. Sure, they say Fred Thompson is a putrefied zombie-man, one rotten foot in the grave, the other in Hell. But I just don’t see it.
DR. NO (PRIVATE ISLAND)
Look, I’ll be honest here. There’s no one to get excited about here on either side. No plums in this fruit salad, as my mother used to say. You know who scares the hell out of me though? This Mitt Romney guy. I’ve met a lot of power-mad lunatics in my day, but Romney makes Ernst Blofeld look like that dork from A View to a Kill. Mitt’s got that look in his eyes — you know the one — two half-glazed lasers of pure crazy. And take it from me, no one makes better evil henchmen than the Mormons. I’d sooner see Oddjob in the White House than “nutjob.” If he wins, I’m moving my island to Canada.