Okay, everyone. Settle down. I know you’re all bummed out about the recent series of planet-wide catastrophes. The plagues, the meteor, the tidal waves, the nuclear wars, the other, pointier meteor… What can I say? If you’ve never seen giant piles of corpses, now you have. Big time. Long story short, humanity is teetering on the edge of extinction. Hey — all the movies said it would happen, so no surprises there. It’s all bad, right? Wrong.
I’m here to tell you that there’s a silver lining to global disaster. Here’s an example. Yes, all the DVDs were erased by a massive electromagnetic pulse. However, VHS still works! And I, for one, have a huge collection of movies I taped off of HBO in the 1980s. We’re watching Bull Durham tonight at my place, so come on over. (Fair warning, I taped it on Extended Play, so the quality isn’t great.)
Okay, the hippie cult leaders who control ragged, desperate bands of mind-slaves? Not bad guys at all. Dr. Psychogroove, Sheriff Lovetrip and Brother Baron Goodtimes are actually smart, caring administrators who know that in times of hardship, people trust maniacal hippies in top hats. So go for it, join the Rainbow Rave-olution of Generation Omega.
Another upside: you know the Avian Flu Variant 433 pandemic? It seems to only have killed people with personalized licensed plates. We don’t understand the science of it. Frankly, we don’t want to understand. We’re just glad they’re gone. So, “TOP DOC,” “USC HOOPS” and “BAD EWOK,” it’s “2 L8 4 U.”
Alright, let’s talk radioactive mutants. They are hardly the chalky, flesh-eating ghouls that were predicted. For some reason, most mutants look exactly like the cute blond girl from the Sprint calling plan commercials. You know, the one who says “Sprint — It’s Your World, Talk to It.” So what if they have Stegosaurus dealies on their backs? Not a deal breaker.
Let’s see… what else? The nuclear winter dropped about three feet of hard-packed snow covered with six inches of fine, dusty powder. So if you’re in the Sahara, bring your skis. Currency is now pine cones, using acorns for change, so a lot of dudes are now loaded. The chunk of comet that crashed into Minnesota actually destroyed an army of homicidal robots just as they became self-aware, so that’s some good news from the “land of 10,000 lakes,” or as we now call it, “land of no lakes.”
Radiation-wise, watermelons are now tiny and grapes are huge, monkeys have toucan noses, toucans have bigger toucan noses, and snails sing the songs of… what’s that terrible group? Right, Maroon 5. All this stuff is changing pretty fast, so if you notice anything else, I started a list on the bulletin board outside the makecorpsesintofood-atorium.
All in all, I think we should all be feeling pretty darn good about the new, improved, Tsunami-cleaned planet earth. From what I hear, the aliens that just invaded are vulnerable to both water and the common cold, so I’m gonna go get me a mutant Sprint girl and grab some veggie chili at Dr. Psychogroove’s. The end of days has never looked brighter.