The United States of America vs. Wesley Snipes

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Excepts from the Ocala, Florida tax fraud and conspiracy trial of Wesley Trent Snipes:

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: The defense would like to call to the stand… Blade.

PROSECUTOR: Objection. Blade is not a real person, but rather Mr. Snipes in sunglasses and fake vampire teeth.

JUDGE: Overruled. I’ll allow it.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Mr. Blade has many legitimate deductions here. For example, if you look at Defense Exhibit GG, page 45, he spent over $300,000 on silver stakes in 2002 alone. Your honor, these are perfectly valid business expenses for someone in his line of work.

PROSECUTOR: Objection. Vampire-killing apparatus is not deductible under the IRS Fiscal Code Section Five, Sub-section J, as Mr. Blade’s vampire-killing business is registered as a State of Nevada Class C Corporation, not an S Corp.

JUDGE: Not an S Corp? Sustained.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Mr. Blade, you told the grand jury that you could not mail your tax return because the post office is only open during daylight hours, and since you are a vampire, you would burst into flames.

SNIPES/BLADE: Yes your honor.

PROSECUTOR: Objection. Let the record show that Mr. Blade is a “Daywalker.” Mr. Blade’s pregnant mother was infected with the vampire virus as she gave birth to him, resulting in a child who was a “Dhampir” or “Daywalker” — a being with vampire powers but none of the weaknesses.

JUDGE: Is this true? Are you a Daywalker?

SNIPES/BLADE: Yes your honor.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your honor, we would like to establish that as a Daywalker, Mr. Blade’s eyes were extremely sensitive to sunlight.

JUDGE: Where are you going with this?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: On April fifteenth of 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006 and 2007, which were all very sunny days, Mr. Blade had lost his sunglasses.

PROSECUTOR: Objection. Do you really expect the court to believe that Blade only owns one pair of sunglasses?


PROSECUTOR: We’ve heard from a lot of witnesses over the past weeks. Abraham Whistler, Deacon Frost, the Bloodpack, several Reapers, as well as Blade, Blade 2, Blade Trinity, Willie Mays Hayes from “Major League,” all of whom Mr. Snipes would have us believe are different people than himself. But what we haven’t heard is why Mr. Snipes didn’t pay his taxes. Which is why the People strongly urge that Mr. Snipes be sentenced to a prison term of not less than ten years, as well as payment of substantial penalties and all black taxes owed.

SNIPES: Did you just say “black taxes?”

PROSECUTOR: Um… maybe… no… I don’t know…

SNIPES: Your honor! The lawyer just said “black taxes!” I told you! They’re making me pay special taxes just because I’m black! The system is racist! Racist!

JUDGE: The court hereby declares a mistrial. Case dismissed. Mr. Snipes, you are free to go.

SNIPES: Always bet on Snipes!