What To Do At Parties

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Here’s a fun, anti-social game to play at parties with your introverted friends instead of meeting new people. It’s called, “Who’s Read The Most Books On The Shelves?” This game is awesome. If you only know one person at a party, it can suck up just enough time to leave the party feeling like you at least tried to have a life.

Here’s how you play “Who’s Read The Most Books On The Shelves?” Locate your host’s bookshelves, and count how many books you’ve read on a given shelf. If you’ve read more books on that shelf than your opponent (s?), you get one point. Then, when you and your friend (s?) have gone over all the shelves, whoever has most points wins.

This game is only fun if you are scrupulously honest. If you lie to your friends and count as read books you own-but-haven’t-read or started-but-never-finished or are-super-embarrassed-that-you-haven’t-read, the game is screwed. Also, this game is only fun is you are an anti-social introvert who doesn’t want to meet new people.

I’ve played many exciting games of “Who’s Read The Most Books On The Shelves?” Picture this: I was three shelves behind — not good, right? Suddenly, I hit a vein of Robertson Davies, a wagon load of Larry McMurtry, and a sweet chunk of Tom Clancy. (I’m not proud of the Clancy, but all’s fair in “Who’s Read The Most Books On The Shelves?”) Suddenly, my adversary and I were tied. We each desperately scanned the last shelf. Not a lot happening for either of us. Then, out of nowhere, at the end of the pile… G.K. Chesterton’s The Man Who Was Thursday! Thanks to ol’ Gilbert Keith, Victory was mine.

Now that was a great party.

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