An Open Letter To Edward Norton

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Puny Norton,

Please do not make Hulk’s new movie suck. Hulk want new movie to smash box office records, not smash nothing.

Hulk stuff always sucked. Starting with Hulk cartoon, when lady flapper sings “Aint he unglamorous!” in old-time voice. What the Hulk is that?

Then Hulk TV show. Too much puny Bixby, not enough Hulk. Yes, Hulk know puny Bixby died of cancer, but still. Hulk is just saying is all.

Then Ang Lee Hulk movie. Hulk not make obvious Brokeback Hulk joke, but give Hulk a break. Is Ang Lee’s worst movie! Except for Eat Drink Man Woman, which Hulk feel was emotionally insincere.

This is Hulk’s last chance for good movie. But puny Norton has taken over new Hulk movie. First, puny Norton rewrote script of Hulk movie. Now puny Norton is editing new Hulk movie. This worry Hulk. Hulk hear when you got into editing room of American History X, puny Norton gave self too much screen time. Critics smash movie with words like “self-indulgent.” People want to see Hulk! Not guy from Fight Club who not Brad Pitt.

Hulk know one thing: Ed Norton cannot open a movie. Hulk is the star. Not puny Norton. When puny Norton is on screen, people thinking, “where is Hulk?”

Give puny Norton a chance, you say. Fine. But new Hulk trailer already look like crap. When Hulk punch Abomination, it looks like end of Rocky 3 where Rocky and Apollo Creed hit each other in face at same time and turn into painting. Hulk never knew who won that fight. Maybe Rocky.

To sum up, when Hulk check Box Office Mojo Sunday after movie come out, Hulk not want crawl into bed with case of Krisy Kremes and stay there for a month. Please make new Hulk movie not suck Hulk’s big green nards.

Thank you for you time,

The Incredible Hulk

P.S. Is it too late for Hulk to be in Iron Man? Hulk could play Iron Man.

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