1) I will watch the movies from my Netflix queue that have been sitting around the house for weeks now. Look out Crank, you’re about to get mailed.
2) I will read at least one book written by a woman. That book will be, “The Tales of Beedle the Bard” by Joanne Rowling.
3) I will successfully consume a 34-course tasting menu known as “The Gamut” tomorrow night without being sick.
4) At the gym, I will stop working out my “core.” Instead, I will now work out whatever replaces the core as, “the thing you should have been working out all along instead of last year’s thing.”
5) I will finally find out who won the “Pick My Halloween Name” contest and send him or her a prize. (If it is you who suggested “Enter Selman” by Mattallica, post a comment with one of your other Halloween name suggestions. That way I will know it is really you, and should be able to extract your email from the blog software.)
6) If any Boston sports teams make it to any sports finals in 2009, I will actually learn something about the team before becoming a huge, last-minute, fair-weather fan. (This resolution stems from 2008’s humiliating Celtics-Lakers Game Four “Who’s Kevin Garnett?” Incident.)
7) I will stop compulsively checking my email. How? I will buy an iPhone. Then I will immediately know when I have email. No more need to check, when it bloops up in real time. (My esteemed associate Dan Greaney came up with a great Apple slogan: “When you have an iPhone, you’re never at work.”)
8 ) I will try to follow the advice I give my children: If I’m cranky, I will eat a snack. I will always pee before I get in the car, even if I think I don’t have to. And instead of running the water for what seems like the right amount of time to fool my wife, I will actually brush my teeth.
9) Minimize smoking weed to five times a day. No wait, that’s a New Year’s Resolution from THC BONGMAN at Cannabis.com. Good luck THC, and good luck everyone!