iPhone Terms of Service Agreement

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1)  I agree that whenever I have my iPhone on my person, I will never be fully mentally present.  If I am at work, I will be thinking about my iPhone.  If I am with my wife, I will be thinking about my iPhone.  If I am awake and near my iPhone, I will be thinking about my iPhone.

2)  I agree that I will not check my email ten times a day on the computer.  I will check my email 10,000 times a day on my iPhone.

3)  I agree that I will let my kids take endless blurry photos of the dog with the iPhone camera.  At work, I will painstakingly erase these photos instead of working.

4)  I agree that I will immediately shut off the AT&T 3G network, as it is still slow as Hell and drains the batteries fast as Hell and doesn’t really seem much faster.

5)  I agree I will never use any of the apps I install – except “LOSE IT!” –which I will enter my daily food intake with the obsessiveness of a lifelong anorexic.

6)  I agree I will not feel jealousy as I watch my friends with Blackberries write email and text in actual typing speed, instead of super-slow and careful typo-ridden iPhone speed.

7)  I agree I will not install any game apps on my iPhone.  Seriously, that would be the end of me.  Seriously.

8 )  I agree I will not enter my “Lose It!” information while driving.  Or at least, I will look around to make sure no cops are looking while I input “tangerine – medium – 50 calories.”

9)  I agree I will stop telling my wife, “No, really – this thing is better than Star Trek!  Could Spock go jogging and then go online and see his exact route around the neighborhood with how fast he was going?  Could he?  Could Spock do that???”

10)  I agree to stroke the thick, heavy, magic-seeming, temperature-cool glass surface of the touch screen with a sensuality I have never bestowed upon a human being.