Hey dere! It’s everyone’s favorite fatso Da Blob here, with my review of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. As a whole, Da Blob liked dis dere picture. Dere was plenty of brawlin’ and bashin’, and what else do youse guys need? And da fans got to see da origin of Wolverine’s leather jacket, which was something we was all a-wonderin about. He got the jacket from an old man in a barn. Now, we know da whole story!
But Da Blob gots one big bone to pick with X-Men Origins: Wolverine! In dis here movie dere, Fred J. Dukes, a.k.a. Yours Truly, is shown a long time ago as a big muscle-y guy. Den, years later in da picture, Dukes has swelled up into a big fatso – Da Blob!!! Da Blob was never not fat! Da Blob was always mega-morbidly obese – TO DA MAXXXX! So what gives?
I asked Magneto what gives, and old Helmet Head tells me that when dey go back and change something dat everybody already knew, it’s called Retroactive Continuity, or “Ret-Conning.” Well whatever hundred dollar word youse use to describe it, all I knows is that Ret-Conning rubs me da wrong way!
Look, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, I know it’s hard to make a movie. You gotta please da studio, da loyal fans, da marketers, de budgetary concerns, and many other what-have-yous. But is it worth forever messin with the widely-held beliefs about a beloved big guy just for a cheap laugh – if dat? I notice dey didn’t go back and make Wolverine not Canadian. Or Cyclops not a pencil-neck panty-waist. So to X-Men Origins series, I say, think hard before you mess with the origin of Fred J. Dukes again – OR YOU’RE GONNA GET A POUNDIN’ FROM DA BLOB!!!