A Real American Hero

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Dick Cheney testifies before the United States Senate Select Committee on Intelligence regarding a top secret counter-terrorism program whose existence he allegedly hid from Congress:

Dianne Feinstein: Mr. Cheney, this is truly astounding.  You knew of  a mysterious program whose mission was so important you hid its very existence from the Congress of the United States of America?
Dick Cheney:
There is a threat to the world that is so dangerous, that America has to rely on the ultimate last line of defense.
Feinstein:
Billions of dollars of federal funding was secretly allocated to the development of this covert strike force.  What can you tell me about it?
Cheney:
I’m afraid that’s classified, Madam Chairwoman.  All I can say is, a team is being assembled.  They are the best operatives in the world.  When all else fails – we don’t.
Feinstein:
What did you say your unit was called?
Cheney:
I didn’t.
Feinstein:
I don’t know quite how to put this.  But is this secret project… G.I. Joe?
Cheney:
I can neither confirm nor deny that.
Feinstein:
Are you Hawk?
Cheney:
I am not Hawk.
Feinstein:
You are under oath Mr. Cheney.  You have to tell me if you’re Hawk.
Cheney:
I am not Hawk.
Feinstein:
Are you Snake Eyes?
Cheney:
I can neither confirm nor deny that.
Feinstein:
Look at this ordinance:  Accelerator suits, The Pit underground headquarters, Rapid Fire Motorcycles—
Cheney:
(CHUCKLES)  You mean “RAMs?”
Feinstein:
Yes I mean RAMS!   Admit it, Mr. Vice-President.  You were secretly trying to create a real-life G.I. Joe!  At taxpayer expense!
Cheney:
Technically, we don’t exist.  We answer to no one.   And when all else fails—
Feinstein:
I know, “you don’t.”  (SIGHS)  Was George Bush Hawk?
Cheney:
George Bush was not Hawk.  He wanted to be Ripcord.
Feinstein: Admit it Mr. Cheney, we know everything!
Cheney: Knowing is half the battle.  But only half.

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