A Fake Interview with Josh Lieb

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Josh Lieb,  Executive Producer of the Daily Show, has just published his debut novel, I Am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I Want to be Your Class President.  I know him and he agreed to write a fake interview with me so I wouldn’t have to write my blog. What follows is my fault as much as his.

 SELMAN:  Josh, thank you so much for doing this.

LIEB: I’m sorry, stranger, I don’t have time to talk about your condition. I’m supposed to be meeting my friend Matt Selm – wait. … Matt? Is that you?

SELMAN: Uh, yeah.

LIEB: Really?

SELMAN: Yeah, really. It’s me. Matt.

LIEB: Wow. Okay. Hold on. Let me wrap my mind around this.

SELMAN: What’s going –?

LIEB: I SAID HOLD ON!

(several minutes pass)

LIEB: Okay, I’m good now. Let’s start over.

MATT: Hi, Josh. Thanks for doing this.

LIEB: Matt! Wow! You look great.

MATT: Thanks. Um,  so where did you get the idea –

LIEB: I’m sorry. I love you too much to lie to you. What happened? Have you been sick?

SELMAN: No.

LIEB: Yeah, people usually lose weight when they’re sick…

SELMAN: I think I look fine.

LIEB: That is such a great attitude! You keep thinking like that, and you’re going to lick this thing yet.

SELMAN: What thing?

LIEB: Exactly! You tell ‘em!

SELMAN: So where did –

LIEB:  “What thing?” he says. That’s a good one. Wait’ll I tell the boys at O’Mallahan’s.

SELMAN: Where did you get the idea for “I Am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I Want to be Your Class President?”

LIEB: (under his breath) So brave…

SELMAN: Okay, look, are you going to spend this entire fake interview insinuating that I look awful? ‘Cause we can end this right now.

LIEB: Oh, really? Can we?

SELMAN: Yes.

LIEB:  Well, I think we are forgetting who’s writing this fake interview.

SELMAN: Meaning what exactly?

LIEB: Check this out.

SELMAN: My name’s Matt Selman and I eat poop!

LIEB: Ha ha! Wow! That’s not the kind of thing people usually brag about, but okay…

SELMAN: That is so not cool.

LIEB: Ooh – that stings, coming from an admitted poop eater.

SELMAN: I do not now nor have I ever – I EAT POOP! I LOVE IT! POOP! POOP! GIMME MORE! YUM!

LIEB: Ha! It’s okay! I heard you the first time.

SELMAN: I EAT POOP ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT AND THEN WHEN I GO TO SLEEP I DREAM ABOUT THE POOP I WILL EAT TOMORROW. ME. MATT SELMAN. PLEASE SEND ME POOP CARE OF TIME MAGAZINE.

LIEB: Hey, I thought I was the one who was supposed to be plugging here.

SELMAN: You’re despicable.

LIEB: To answer your question, I got the idea during the writers’ strike.  I couldn’t work, my wife was expecting a baby, and I had to pay rent. So I wrote a book.

SELMAN: Why don’t you tell us about the plot?

LIEB: Why don’t you do it for me?

SELMAN: Well, basically it’s about a fat kid in Omaha, Nebraska who everyone thinks is the dumbest boy in school. Even his parents think so. But it’s all an act – in reality, he is an evil supergenius and the third richest person on Earth. He’s just laying low until he’s 18 and he can legally claim his worldwide empire.

LIEB: Go on…

SELMAN: So he decides to run for class president using the same techniques he uses to overthrow third world dictatorships – blackmail, bribery, etc. But that stuff works a lot better in geopolitics than it does in middle school.

LIEB: Geez, Selman. Give away the whole plot while you’re at it.

SELMAN: I am so going to kill you when I escape from the world of your imagination.

LIEB: Take a number, pal.

SELMAN: So who’s it written for? Adults or kids?

LIEB: Both. You’ll find it in the Young Adult section of your local bookstore, probably, but the intended audience is both smart middle-school kids and emotionally stunted adults.

SELMAN: Like me!

LIEB: You said it, Seljerk.

SELMAN: You’re a dead man, Lieb.

LIEB: Just get on with your little interview.

SELMAN: Fine. How did you find the time to – (sniffs),,, Huh, that’s funny.

LIEB: What?

SELMAN: Do you smell burnt toast?

LIEB: Me? No I don’t smell anything.

SELMAN: That’s weird, I could swear I smell – AAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! AAAAAH!

LIEB: Ha ha!

SELMAN: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

LIEB: Ha!

SELMAN: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

LIEB: Gee, Matt, you sure picked a weird time to work on your golf game.

SELMAN: AH! AH! AH!

LIEB: So, how’s your stroke coming along? Ha!

SELMAN: You muzzerfuzzer! Ah! Aaaaah!!!

LIEB: Well, Matt seems to be out of commission, so I’ll finish this thing myself. To find out more about my amazing book “I Am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I Want to be Your Class President,” go to Sheldrakeindustries.com. There’s a funny video there starring me and Jon Stewart and everything. Right, Matt?

SELMAN: Muzzer! Fuzzer!

LIEB: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

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