Josh Lieb, Executive Producer of the Daily Show, has just published his debut novel, I Am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I Want to be Your Class President. I know him and he agreed to write a fake interview with me so I wouldn’t have to write my blog. What follows is my fault as much as his.
SELMAN: Josh, thank you so much for doing this.
LIEB: I’m sorry, stranger, I don’t have time to talk about your condition. I’m supposed to be meeting my friend Matt Selm – wait. … Matt? Is that you?
SELMAN: Uh, yeah.
SELMAN: Yeah, really. It’s me. Matt.
LIEB: Wow. Okay. Hold on. Let me wrap my mind around this.
SELMAN: What’s going –?
LIEB: I SAID HOLD ON!
(several minutes pass)
LIEB: Okay, I’m good now. Let’s start over.
MATT: Hi, Josh. Thanks for doing this.
LIEB: Matt! Wow! You look great.
MATT: Thanks. Um, so where did you get the idea –
LIEB: I’m sorry. I love you too much to lie to you. What happened? Have you been sick?
LIEB: Yeah, people usually lose weight when they’re sick…
SELMAN: I think I look fine.
LIEB: That is such a great attitude! You keep thinking like that, and you’re going to lick this thing yet.
SELMAN: What thing?
LIEB: Exactly! You tell ‘em!
SELMAN: So where did –
LIEB: “What thing?” he says. That’s a good one. Wait’ll I tell the boys at O’Mallahan’s.
SELMAN: Where did you get the idea for “I Am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I Want to be Your Class President?”
LIEB: (under his breath) So brave…
SELMAN: Okay, look, are you going to spend this entire fake interview insinuating that I look awful? ‘Cause we can end this right now.
LIEB: Oh, really? Can we?
LIEB: Well, I think we are forgetting who’s writing this fake interview.
SELMAN: Meaning what exactly?
LIEB: Check this out.
SELMAN: My name’s Matt Selman and I eat poop!
LIEB: Ha ha! Wow! That’s not the kind of thing people usually brag about, but okay…
SELMAN: That is so not cool.
LIEB: Ooh – that stings, coming from an admitted poop eater.
SELMAN: I do not now nor have I ever – I EAT POOP! I LOVE IT! POOP! POOP! GIMME MORE! YUM!
LIEB: Ha! It’s okay! I heard you the first time.
SELMAN: I EAT POOP ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT AND THEN WHEN I GO TO SLEEP I DREAM ABOUT THE POOP I WILL EAT TOMORROW. ME. MATT SELMAN. PLEASE SEND ME POOP CARE OF TIME MAGAZINE.
LIEB: Hey, I thought I was the one who was supposed to be plugging here.
SELMAN: You’re despicable.
LIEB: To answer your question, I got the idea during the writers’ strike. I couldn’t work, my wife was expecting a baby, and I had to pay rent. So I wrote a book.
SELMAN: Why don’t you tell us about the plot?
LIEB: Why don’t you do it for me?
SELMAN: Well, basically it’s about a fat kid in Omaha, Nebraska who everyone thinks is the dumbest boy in school. Even his parents think so. But it’s all an act – in reality, he is an evil supergenius and the third richest person on Earth. He’s just laying low until he’s 18 and he can legally claim his worldwide empire.
LIEB: Go on…
SELMAN: So he decides to run for class president using the same techniques he uses to overthrow third world dictatorships – blackmail, bribery, etc. But that stuff works a lot better in geopolitics than it does in middle school.
LIEB: Geez, Selman. Give away the whole plot while you’re at it.
SELMAN: I am so going to kill you when I escape from the world of your imagination.
LIEB: Take a number, pal.
SELMAN: So who’s it written for? Adults or kids?
LIEB: Both. You’ll find it in the Young Adult section of your local bookstore, probably, but the intended audience is both smart middle-school kids and emotionally stunted adults.
SELMAN: Like me!
LIEB: You said it, Seljerk.
SELMAN: You’re a dead man, Lieb.
LIEB: Just get on with your little interview.
SELMAN: Fine. How did you find the time to – (sniffs),,, Huh, that’s funny.
SELMAN: Do you smell burnt toast?
LIEB: Me? No I don’t smell anything.
SELMAN: That’s weird, I could swear I smell – AAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! AAAAAH!
LIEB: Ha ha!
LIEB: Gee, Matt, you sure picked a weird time to work on your golf game.
SELMAN: AH! AH! AH!
LIEB: So, how’s your stroke coming along? Ha!
SELMAN: You muzzerfuzzer! Ah! Aaaaah!!!
LIEB: Well, Matt seems to be out of commission, so I’ll finish this thing myself. To find out more about my amazing book “I Am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I Want to be Your Class President,” go to Sheldrakeindustries.com. There’s a funny video there starring me and Jon Stewart and everything. Right, Matt?
SELMAN: Muzzer! Fuzzer!
LIEB: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.