For the Worst of the Worst of Gaming in 2009… The Crashies

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Let’s Tap

You thought it was about dancing, too, didn’t you? Nope, just poorly executed vibration-sensing minigames ‘round these parts. Put away those tap shoes.

And the Crashie Goes to:

MLB Front Office Manager

Let’s Tap and *shudder* Puchi Puchi Virus have enough weirdness to at least make folks curious. MLB Front Office Manager blandly bleats out what it is and, indeed, why you should stay the heck away.

Most Derivative Title

The Wheelman

Avowed game nerd Vin Diesel’s been part of some decent video games, but this wasn’t one of them. Wheelman tries to splice together parts of Burnout with GTA but winds up with an undriveable mess. Points for setting the game in Barcelona, though.

Ninja Blade

This nonsense about the only member of a government-run ninja task force who can stop a demonic plague must’ve sprung straight from the fever dreams of a dozen grade-school otaku. More offensive than its story was its heroin-level addiction to quicktime events. The only thing worse than fast, mindless button-mashing is slow, boring button-pressing. Thank you for showing us the way, Ninja Blade.

50 Cent: Blood on the Sand

There was a slim hope that Curtis Jackson might take his second video game outing as a chance to poke a little fun at his superthug image. Not only was the game deadly serious about showing Fiddy and his G-Unit crew as action heroes, it unabashedly lifted the speed-based shooter mechanic idea from Sega’s 2008 game The Club, while relying on cover-based tactics as in Gears of War. The two ideas don’t even really work well together!

And the Crashie Goes to:

Ninja Blade

All of the above games try to mash two great tastes together but Ninja Blade aimed at the most savory of modern action franchises–Ninja Gaiden and God of War. Its complete failure to replicate anything like the fun to be had in either game makes it all the more of a failure.

Worst Movie Based on a Video Game

*These two movies haven’t yet seen wide release but they were shown at the American Film Market Festival in November 2009. We’re counting them. And, yes, someone actually bought them.

Street Fighter: the Legend of Chun-Li

Tekken*

King of Fighters*

And the Crashie Goes to:

King of Fighters

The adaptation of the 2D fighter doesn’t even look like they’re trying to capture the bizarro vibe of SNK’s franchise smorgasbord. I mean, there’s no gender confusion in that trailer whatsoever. The Tekken movie at least has the savvy to try and put their very recognizable characters into an MMA-style environment so as to attract some drunk Pride fans on opening weekend. Even with Maggie Q and Ray Park, the KOF teaser’s got nothing going for it. We’re gonna be both retroactive and pre-emptive and give it a Crashie.

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