Paycheck Friday: Purchasing Suggestions For Your Perusal

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It’s Friday! Maybe you just got paid. You could use that money for boring stuff like bills, rent, and food, or you could act like a wonderfully impulsive consumer and spend it on any number of products. Here are some ideas to get you started based on your taxable income bracket.

10% ($0 to $8,375)


Your salary doesn’t allow you to buy nice, expensive booze. That’s okay, because $15 will get you a set of six Gummy Shot Glasses. Take a shot, eat the glass, impress the ladies (or gents). Available in lemon, lime, cola, red, blue, and orange from Vat19. Do yourself a favor and watch this slickly produced rap video starring the Gummy Shot Glasses. It’s mesmerizing.

15% ($8,375 to $34,000)


You’re moving up in the world and nothing—NOTHING!—can come between you and your life partner. Not even rain. In fact, when it does rain, the two of you are so inseparable that the distance placed between you by two common umbrellas is unacceptable. Hence, the $40 Dualbrella is the only way to fly.

25% ($34,000 to $82,400)


Look at you with your fancy salary. You’ve sold out, maaan. You used to be cool. What’s that? You’re still cool? Prove it. Ah, $140 custom-painted Super Mario-themed Nike Dunks. Well played, sir. I stand corrected.

28% ($82,400 to $171,850)


“Sir, I hate to interrupt you during treadmill time but I’ve got Japan on the line and—oh, I see you’ve found a way to work and work out at the same time. Can I freshen your coffee for you?” That could be you! Making deals and breaking a sweat. All it takes is the $400 TrekDesk Treadmill Desk.

33% ($171,850 to $373,650)


So you got an iPad but how can you make sure that EVERYBODY knows you have one? Talking to yourself loudly in a coffee shop has helped somewhat (“Oh! My iPad says my stocks are up! I checked them ON MY IPAD.”) but some people still aren’t getting the message. Blind them temporarily with a custom-designed $900 Colorware iPad. The brighter the better.

35% ($373,650 and up)


You’re an individual of great means and opportunity. While this $189 Cobra Commander throne is currently only available in a scaled down version for a 12-inch action figure, somebody had to make it in the first place. And maybe that somebody wants to work on a special human-sized version just for you. The sooner you get through to that somebody that money is no object and this project isn’t optional, the better.