Paycheck Friday: Purchasing Suggestions For Your Perusal

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It’s Friday! Maybe you just got paid. You could use that money for boring stuff like bills, rent, and food, or you could act like a wonderfully impulsive consumer and spend it on any number of products. Here are some ideas to get you started based on your taxable income bracket.

10% ($0 to $8,375)


You’re low-income, not dead inside. While the life victories seem to come less and less often nowadays, it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t class things up a bit when it’s time to celebrate. The $20 Romulan Corkscrew may cost as much as 4-5 bottles of the type of wine you’ve been drinking lately, but consider it an investment in brighter days ahead. You know, the days when you’ll use it to open highfalutin $8 bottles of wine. Prosper, indeed.

15% ($8,375 to $34,000)


Speaking of classy booze, you’re about due for a pricey bottle of vodka with a programmable LCD label. You’ve earned it! Nothing says, “I make ten bucks and hour but I don’t have to live like I make ten bucks an hour,” quite like a $40 bottle of Medea Vodka with its own news ticker.

25% ($34,000 to $82,400)


Now that you’re earning a respectable salary, should you have to settle for the low-quality toilet paper found in public restrooms? No, no, a thousand times, NO. You’ve got money! People with money (that’s you now) carry things like this $72 battery powered Toto Traveling Bidet to avoid such unpleasant experiences.

28% ($82,400 to $171,850)


Man’s best friend needs to be able to roam the yard freely, but what happens when the man doesn’t want to install a ridiculously expensive invisible fencing system? Man buys the $329 Perimeter Wi-Fi Dog Fence Kit and leverages the power of wireless networking to keep Julian in the yard. Usually these Paycheck Friday items are jokes but I’ll be damned if I don’t actually want this myself now. I should have named my dog Julian, too.

33% ($171,850 to $373,650)


I’ll see your fancy Wi-Fi dog collar and raise you a $1,250 Canine Shower Stall. Feels good to roll your sleeves up and bathe your pet on your own, eh? But who wants to go risk the possibility of getting wet? That’s for people who wash their dogs in open-air laundry tubs. You’d rather rely on two integrated leashes and two locking doors to not terrify your dog. He may look like he’s saying, “What in the hell is happening to me?!” But he’s really saying, “I’m having the time of my life! And your khaki pants are bone dry!”

35% ($373,650 and up)


“Does someone need a catamaran? Because I’ve got one in my trunk.” That could be YOU at the next seaside company outing. All of your employees will watch in amazement as several unpaid interns turn two 44-pound bags from the cargo area of your Porsche Cayenne into the $6,000 Inflatable 14 Foot Catamaran in 20 minutes. An employee’s kid will ask if he can ride on it and you can say, “Oh, sorry. You look like you have sharp fingernails and your father doesn’t make enough money to replace my inflatable boat.”