Paycheck Friday: Purchasing Suggestions For Your Perusal

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It’s Friday! Maybe you just got paid. You could use that money for boring stuff like bills, rent, and food, or you could act like a wonderfully impulsive consumer and spend it on any number of products. Here are some ideas to get you started based on your taxable income bracket.

10% ($0 to $8,375)


Rent’s due but you spent all your money on candy! And cigarettes! And candy cigarettes! Beat your landlord to the punch by condemning your own apartment. He’ll figure, “Excellent, the board of health got here before I did. It’s their problem now.” Little will he know that he’s been snowed by $11 Prank Condemned House Stickers. More candy and smokes for you!

15% ($8,375 to $34,000)


Look who’s finally making some decent money! Forget holding a flashlight in your hand like some sort of animal. You’ve got $30 to spend on this smart and sassy Integrated LED Hat. While all your dumb buddies are fumbling around with their handheld flashlights, you’ll be eating a 16-inch sub with two hands in the middle of the woods at midnight.

25% ($34,000 to $82,400)


Hey, nice lipstick. Are those Swarovski crystals? Wow, you must really be doing well for yourself. What?! That’s not lipstick! It’s a mouse?! You must be both moving AND shaking at your new job. Anyone who spends $115 on a Crystal Lipstick Mouse won’t be in this tax bracket for long. You’re clicking your way to the top in style.

28% ($82,400 to $171,850)


You haven’t gotten this far by caring what other people think of you, right? And nothing says “I don’t care” like spending $140 on athletic shoes with what can only be described as a sperm logo. They’re actually called XLR8 and “are designed to improve your game using advanced Gravity Defyer technology,” but let’s face it, nobody’s going to care about any of that when you tell them you spent $140 on Sperm Shoes. XLR8-ing indeed.

33% ($171,850 to $373,650)


First let me start off by saying that I absolutely LOVE following you on Twitter. I feel like I know everything about you! If there was just one tiny detail about you that I’d love to follow more closely than ever, it’d be miniscule changes in your body weight. Would you ever consider using this $165 Withings Wi-Fi Scale and posting your weight to Twitter? The scale hooks up to your internet connection and automatically uploads your weight every time you stand on it. I promise I’ll re-tweet it! I have tens of followers myself!

35% ($373,650 and up)


No, no, no. You don’t want a Segway. You have to actually lean forward with a Segway. You want the $2,000 Electric Personal Transporter. It’s obnoxious like a Segway but there’s no leaning involved. You control everything from the handlebars. And there’s a basket for your Pomeranian, too. Comfortable up there, Mittens? We’re going to the jewelry store, Mittens!