Paycheck Friday: Purchasing Suggestions For Your Perusal

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It’s Friday! Maybe you just got paid. You could use that money for boring stuff like bills, rent, and food, or you could act like a wonderfully impulsive consumer and spend it on any number of products. Here are some ideas to get you started based on your taxable income bracket.

10% ($0 to $8,375)


With your income, you won’t be buying a full-fledged digital camera any time soon but there’s no reason you shouldn’t prepare yourself for the eventual thievery of your new camera. Leave this $11 Shocking Digital Camera lying around the house and see which of your so-called friends tries to steal it. They’ll get a jolt and you’ll get to see who can’t be trusted around your stuff.

15% ($8,375 to $34,000)

You just got married and you’re starting a new life together. Congratulations! Does she know about your… ahem… “problem” in the bedroom? No, not that problem. The other one. The stinky one. No not THAT stinky one, the other—you fart in bed, okay?! Jeez, make me say it! Order the $30 Better Marriage Blanket. It’s made the same “activated carbon fabric” that the military uses against biological weapons. Ewww, you must really stink!

25% ($34,000 to $82,400)


There’s been some loose talk going around that you’re not as fun as you used to be. Crazy Uncle Fuad, they used to call you. Now it’s just Sensible Uncle Fuad. What happened to the crazy, Fuad? Show everyone that you’re still half nuts with this $50 Rotating Oversized Scrabble Game. Quadruple Word Score tiles?! Unheard of! “Call me Fuad the Quad,” you’ll say. And they’ll all listen because, hey, who buys giant Scrabble? Sensible people or crazies? Crazy Uncle Fuad is back!

28% ($82,400 to $171,850)


A man or woman of your stature should be awesome at ping pong. It’s a life skill, after all. But you’re too busy to practice and the big tournament is coming up in a few weeks! Fear not. There’s nothing some overpriced, dubiously effective equipment can’t fix. Make your money work for you by investing in the $100 Table Tennis Hands. It’s a double-sided ping pong paddle that you wear like a glove. Will it make you a better player? Who knows? Your opponent will think you’re insane, though. So there’s that.

33% ($171,850 to $373,650)


This $180 hidden camera pen will surely arouse suspicion because it’s like, who uses pens anymore? People will see you with it and think you’re up to something. Casually explain to them that you make so much money that you have your own typist and that’s why you still use old-timey pens. Then leave the pen on the conference table and record your underlings complaining about how you have your own typist. Then play the footage for them and say, “I don’t really have my own typist but if you guys want to keep your jobs, I suggest you consider being my typists.” Boom, free typists.

35% ($373,650 and up)


Even if you’ve never seen Star Trek: First Contact, you owe it to yourself to drop $1,250 on this replica phaser rifle. Once it arrives, invite all the Star Trek fans you know over to your mansion and casually leave the gun lying out on your wet bar. The collective nerd-gasm that ensues will be worth it.