Cryptids: Will The Colossal Squid Be Your Next Housepet?

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Bad news, you guys. It seems that the mysterious colossal squid isn’t as aggressive as we’d all hoped. It’s huge, yes, measuring up to 40+ feet long and living in the deep, deep ocean, but recent evidence has suggested that instead of being an unstoppable, pirate-ship-sinking monster, “It’s more just like a big blob,” according to marine biologist Rui Rosa.

It gets worse. Even in the deep, murky waters it calls home, it appears that the colossal squid doesn’t even stalk its own prey with the stunning-yet-silent skills of an elite hunter. No, instead it sits in one place like when Homer purposely gained enough weight to get work-at-home disability and waits to ambush passing fish, according to Live Science. Bo-ring.

Now the colossal squid is not to be confused with the giant squid. If you’ve been watching MonsterQuest on the History Channel, you’ll remember that a team of scientists caught a giant squid on video for the first time and you shed a tear, overwhelmed by the beauty of it all. Maybe that was just me. Whatever the case, the giant squid seemed to be moving around a bit more than the blob-like colossal squid would have been.

So this all begs the following questions: How can you get your own colossal squid and how big of a tank would you need to keep it as a pet? It’s not necessarily aggressive and we could each use a colossal squid to protect our homes, right? Instead of trying to track down a humongous tank, the obvious choice would be to dig a big, deep moat around your house. It’d have to be deep. I can’t stress that enough. They’re used to living in deep water.

As for catching one, apparently only four have been captured alive. One in 1981, one in 2003, one in 2005, and the largest one ever was caught in 2007. It weighed almost 1,100 pounds and was estimated to be around 33 feet long. We’re gonna need a bigger boat.

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