It’s Friday! Maybe you just got paid. You could use that money for boring stuff like bills, rent, and food, or you could act like a wonderfully impulsive consumer and spend it on any number of products. Here are some ideas to get you started based on your taxable income bracket.
10% ($0 to $8,375)
Look, just because you don’t have much money doesn’t mean you don’t have stuff to protect. And with summer just around the corner, that hot box you call an apartment is going to live up to its name. Protect your possessions and keep cool at the same time with the $6 Gun Fan. It’s a fan… that’s shaped… like a gun. Paint it black, though, or those intruders won’t take you seriously.
15% ($8,375 to $34,000)
What’s that? You got a fancy new raise? Living the high life? Welcome to the club, my friend. Quick tip for you—we don’t use bug spray any more. That’s for the animals in the first tax bracket. No, from here on out, you’ll be wearing the $25 Clip On Mosquito Repeller everywhere. Oh, you’ll have to buy a belt, too, FYI. No more using speaker wire. It’s not classy.
25% ($34,000 to $82,400)
You’ve managed to claw your way into the third tax bracket and you’ll be damned if anyone—ANYONE!—will force you back into your old bracket. Your enemies are all around, you can’t trust a soul, and there’s been murmurs at work that one of the interns is gunning for your cubicle. Spend $40 on this Voice Activated Wall Socket Spy Camera to keep tabs on all your workplace nemesises. Nemesi. Nemeese. Plural of nemesis.
28% ($82,400 to $171,850)
Weird, you use the microwave in the breakroom? The same microwave that all the heathens from middle management use? That’s really gross, not to mention far, far below you as someone who’s in upper-middle to lower-upper management. Lower-upper management is a real thing, right? Anyway, buy this $200 Wavebox Portable Microwave Oven and keep it on your big mahogany desk. That way none of your underlings need to know that you love Hot Pockets even more than they do.
33% ($171,850 to $373,650)
If you can think of a better way to let people know that you’re uniquely wealthy than by buying an LG phone branded the Versace Unique, then I’d like to hear it. It’s purple, too. If anyone’s like, “My that’s an ugly purple phone!” tell them that it’s a Versace and they’ll realize that you’re unique—so much so that a purple phone becomes cool. Know what’s even cooler? No price! If you have to ask, you can’t afford it and so on.
35% ($373,650 and up)
Swimming in the ocean is so 1997. You’ve got money, a yacht, and this $2500 Magic Swim inflatable pool that hangs off the back of your aforementioned yacht. Just inflate it, drop it in the water, and feel the sensation of swimming in the ocean without all the hassle of having to tread water next to regular people. Bonus! May keep sharks out! May not, though. Sharks, while intelligent, have no idea how important you are.
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