The Lost Finale Reviewed by Someone Who’s Never Seen Lost Before

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It’s true, I’ve never seen Lost before. But I watched the finale anyway, because I figured, how hard can it be? I’ll pick it up as I go along.

Here’s what happened.

:02 Holy crow these people are good-looking. But this island they’re on looks a lot like Scranton. Maybe there’s some kind of Office crossover happening. You know, like when the Harlem Globetrotters showed up on Gilligan’s Island.

:03 Oh right. That’s not the island. So they’re off it already. Thank God. The suspense was killing me.

:04 Or they’re on it and they’re off it? Irish here in the car looks like he might be good for some exposition. Let’s have it, boyo.

:07 You know who I like? The chubby guy with the Star Wars references. Actualy he looks a bit like Porkins, the X-Wing pilot who bites it at the Death Star. I hope that’s not foreshadowing.

(More on Techland: 10 Ways LOST Shouldn’t End)

:11 OK, I’m finding my feet here. Good guys, bad guys. But why does the bald guy want to destroy the island? Why does the handsome guy with the big chin want to save the island? Find a boat, somebody.

:17 Oooooooooooooh I get it. Everybody has a real-world life and an island life. Some people remember their island lives, some people don’t. The big folksy guy is a cop of some kind. The lady’s a criminal of some kind, Big Chin is a doctor. God, this show is easy. I don’t know what all you Losties are complaining about all this time.

I don’t get who Porkins is, though. Whoever he is he needs a new car. That yellow Hummer is obnoxious.

:19 The Asian couple seem nice. Their bit is a little soft-focus though, the blonde doctor especially. She’s acting like she’s in a douche commercial. We need some polar bears or something in here. Isn’t this whole show supposed to be about polar bears?

:25 Oh man, now there’s a dead dude in the water. This is the wackiest Survivor challenge ever. If only they’d been in time to save Leonardo DiCaprio instead of Sergeant Pepper there with the epaulets.

:27 And here we are. Showdown at the Hokay Corral. For a criminal that lady has no idea how to handle an assault rifle.

And ugh, I’m losing ground now, because come on, shoot Dr. Evil! Or Dr. Evil, stab Dr. Chin! Or Irish, hit somebody with your big stick! This is no time for a super team-up, fellas. (And wow: Dr. Chin is married to Dr. Douche in real life. It’s a twist a minute here on Temptation Island.)

:31 I get it now. The three suns are coming together. Somebody restore the Dark Crystal or the Skexis will rule forever.

(More on Techland: Coping With LOST Letdown: May We Suggest Stargate Universe?)

Either that or Desmond is leprechaun, and his lucky charms are down there. Sorry, but oh my God, this is only a third over. Somebody give that girl a Band-Aid, she’s bleeding out.

:37 No, I take that back, I don’t get it. Why do Dr. Chin and Dr. Evil have such radically different ideas of what Irish McIrish is going to do when he gets down to the bottom of the old watering hole?

:45 Irish made it to the bottom of the shaft. There is a glowing pool here. This must be some kind of … hot tub time machine?

:47 I’m really sorry to say that Drive Shaft is the worst band ever.

:55 Thank God she finally shot that guy.

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1:10 Wow, Folksy Cop is a devil with the ladies. Looks like he hooked up with Dr. Douche’s island-self, back in the day. Well, it was a crazy time. But wait: they got it on, but then she died on the island? And now she’s real again, but married to Dr. Chin? That’s really sad. But also weird. Enough kissing now. Lost n00b wants answers.

1:22 I’m really sorry, I can’t hang with this. Getting off a sinking island I get. That is a goal that makes sense to me. But who cares if they stick the stone knob in the big hole at the bottom of the pit? Porkins and you, what’s your name, the guy who looks like a lemur: run! Irish and stabbed-Dr.-Chin … eh, you guys do what you want. But if I may, the stone knob business, it just doesn’t look like too good of an idea. You shoulda gone for the plane.

1:25 I don’t get it. All that trouble so the light could come back on in the hot tub time machine. But it was on before. So why did they turn it off? Well, OK, now it’s back on. I hope you’re happy.

1:31 Shoot, this is getting away from me. Porkins has to stay on the island? As its Foursquare mayor or whatever?  With Pee-Wee Herman as his running mate? That sucks, dude.

1:33 Twelve minutes left. Hang in there man. You can do this. I am talking to myself, not Jack as he staggers out of the underbrush and onto the beach, bleeding profusely, exhausted from his knob-replacement efforts. And jeez, back on the mainland, things are taking a turn for the Christian. There’s no body in the coffin. Lo, he is risen. Oh, and right, Dr. Chin got stabbed in the side, so he’s like Jesus? Maybe? I’m slow off the mark with this stuff. I was brought up atheist.

(More on Techland: LOST S06E17 E-mail Chain: The End)

1:40 Waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait. Wait. Their real life is heaven. Or something. I think I just sprained my Donnie Darko muscle. This is like in Stardust Memories, where everybody goes to Jazz Heaven. I hope they’re not stuck in that church for all eternity. Maybe there’s a bar they can head over to later.

Now Jack’s dying on the beach. And then a polar bear leaps out of the forest! Oh, it’s just a doggie coming out to keep him company. But wait a minute God dammit, this is kind of touching. Oh, and now he sees the plane go over, so he knows the rest of them made it. No, it’s nothing, I just have something in my eye. Really. I don’t need a tissue. Leave me a lone.

Damn you! I’m slightly moved by this! Damn you all to hell!

More on Techland:

3 Ways You’re Glad Lost Didn’t End

Why LOST May Be The Last Of A Dying Breed

All of LOST Told in 108 Seconds

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