Paycheck Friday: Purchasing Suggestions For Your Perusal

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It’s Friday! Maybe you just got paid. You could use that money for boring stuff like bills, rent, and food, or you could act like a wonderfully impulsive consumer and spend it on any number of products. Here are some ideas to get you started based on your taxable income bracket.

10% ($0 to $8,375)


Life’s not working out exactly as planned, huh? At least you’ve got your trusty pen. Pen? Where’d your pen go? Aw, you lost your pen. Now you legitimately have nothing going on. Prevent this atrocity from ever happening again with your very own $4 personal bank pen. I know $4 isn’t exactly in your pen budget but the money you save from not having to replace your only pen will eventually pay off. Also, please watch this hilarious pen-related video.

15% ($8,375 to $34,000)


Beer. It’s delicious! And it’s great at making you forget that you spend most of your money on it. But what if I told you that you can live off the “beer grid” as it were by making your own. No, not just brewing it, I mean growing all the crap that goes into it too. You can! Just drop $25 on the Grow Your Own Beer Garden kit. Will it taste as good as Sam Adams? No! Will you get to act all high and mighty about making your own beer from scratch? Yes!

25% ($34,000 to $82,400)


Look. You know you’re the next big, um, rock piano guy. I know you’re the next big rock piano guy. And your friends all say, “Man, you’re the next big rock piano guy.” But try convincing your jack-ass boss that you’re the next big rock piano guy. What’d he say to you the last time you asked for time off to rehearse? “Hey, tell you what. Why don’t you be the next big guy who sits here in his cubicle and builds his damn spreadsheets like everyone else?” Well, you’ll show him with this $100 Roll-Up Electric Piano. Actually, you better NOT show him because he’ll probably fire you. No matter what happens, though, you can’t fire heart. And you, my friend, have got heart.

28% ($82,400 to $171,850)


Seems to me you’re making enough money that you shouldn’t have to stand up and reposition your beach chair like a savage. While all the mouth breathers on the public beaches crow about how they only paid $20 for their beach chairs, you’ll be swiveling the day away in your $150 Suntracking Beach Chair. Note that it doesn’t “track” the sun and swivel automatically but sometimes there’s a quiet dignity in doing a little hard work on your own. Hard work like spinning slightly in your $150 beach chair every few hours.

33% ($171,850 to $373,650)


Honestly, I can’t seem to wrap my head around how you’ve ever managed to work out on a treadmill that didn’t have its own Wi-Fi connection. What have you been doing all these years? Apparently you have NOT been connecting your treadmill to the internet “to manage your workout, run simulated courses, or race your friends (additional fees may apply).” Clearly it’s time to upgrade to this $1,000 Wi-Fi Treadmill.

35% ($373,650 and up)


After a long, hard day of whatever it is you do to make as much money as you do, wouldn’t it be nice to relax in a $3,000 Acoustic Immersion Pod? Its six-speaker surround sound system will drown out your own thoughts, along with the voices of your family members trying to somehow pull you back into reality after spending $3,000 on an egg-shaped chair with a bunch of speakers bolted to the walls.

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