Paycheck Friday: Purchasing Suggestions For Your Perusal

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It’s Friday! Maybe you just got paid. You could use that money for boring stuff like bills, rent, and food, or you could act like a wonderfully impulsive consumer and spend it on any number of products. Here are some ideas to get you started based on your taxable income bracket.

10% ($0 to $8,375)


At your income level, you should be looking for convergence wherever you can find it. Multiple pens? Maybe for people with jobs! You have one pen and one bottle opener. Might as well kill two birds with one stone by picking up the $5 Bottle Opener Pen. How did they think up that name?!

15% ($8,375 to $34,000)


Speaking of convergence, you like your cell phone, right? And you like smoking, right? Why not pick up a $28 pack of electronic cigarettes that doubles as a cell phone charger? Or just buy it to charge your phone and start smoking once you’re good and ready. They’re electronic cigarettes, which means the more you smoke, the better they are for you, right? Right?

25% ($34,000 to $82,400)


Someday you’ll be at the point, financially, where you won’t have to worry about how your breath smells. “I make too much money to care!” you’ll say, waving your hand dismissively at all the passers-by. Until then, your breath is important enough to warrant the purchase of the $48 Digital Bad Breath Checker for Women, redundantly titled since men don’t have bad breath.

28% ($82,400 to $171,850)


The $88 Garden Zombie. So versatile. Perfect for scaring people away, while doubling as your best friend and/or boyfriend during periods of loneliness. “Are you warm enough, Steven? Let me bring you a hat, Steven. You didn’t drink your hot cocoa, Steven! Can we please not fight, Steven?!”

33% ($171,850 to $373,650)

78726 I’m assuming it’s a formality for me to tell you to buy the $300 Inflatable Black Cat that stands two stories tall. You either have one already or are patiently awaiting shipment.

The orange tail, eyes, ears, and nose may seem to scream Halloween but this is obviously a year-round lawn decoration.

Look how small your dopey kids look next to it! Beautiful and gifted kids, I mean.

35% ($373,650 and up)

11705 Now we’re talking. This $1,300 rowing machine features a bucket of water that “provides consistent resistance” to every pull, unlike those crap rowing machines that also provide resistance while you pull (inconsistently, of course).

Your houseguests will remark, “How clever. You’ve built your own rowing machine with a bucket of water for some reason,” and you can impress them by revealing that you paid $1,300 for a rowing machine that came with a bucket to which you add your own water.

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