Golf! Several Totally Serious, Not Dumb Products for Your Perusal

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The Masters Tournament kicks off tomorrow, ushering in the beginning of this year’s major championship tournament circuit. You can catch live video on the very-excellent Masters.com website and iPhone app, or enjoy lesser features (no live video?!) on the Android app.

Be sure to check out the new Front9 app for iPhone and iPad from our friends down the hall at Golf Magazine, too, while you’re at it.

But you’re not here for the apps, are you? You’re here to look at dumb—er, totally NOT dumb—golf products. Let’s tee off, shall we?

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The UroClub: $19.95

How do I put this delicately? The UroClub sort of looks like a real golf club except you pee into it. IT IS FOR MEN ONLY.

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Sell us on this idea, UroClub!

“How many times has this happened? You’re playing 18 holes with your best buddies, drinking sport-‘ades’, water, beer, etc. You’re coming up to the 3rd hole with no rest room in sight. There are no trees or bushes around and you just have to go, what are you going to do?

The UroClub is the discrete, sanitary way for your urgent relief. Created by a Board Certified Urologist, it looks like an ordinary golf club, but contains a reservoir built into the grip to relieve yourself. The UroClub is leak proof, easy to clean and no more embarrassing moments.”

The third hole has no trees or bushes? What kind of golf course is this? If it’s that crappy of a course, nobody’s going to notice you peeing on it. Bonus points for the UroClub being invented by a urologist, though. Additional negative points for the shaky grammar used in the above product description.

The UroClub features a clip-on privacy towel (thank you) and triple seal, leak proof cap (thank you again).

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The Twister: $24.99

There’s FINALLY a way to wash a golf ball between brush-like bristles that pass through a soapy wet substance while you’re at a golf course.

What took you so long, SkyMall?

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The Twister costs $25, not including the “mild cleaning solution” that you’ll have to concoct yourself before you leave the house. They should put these Twisters all over every golf course. Maybe one at every hole, except make them bigger and red and put them on a pole. And provide the soap, too.

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The RadarGolf System: $199.95

You’re a beginning golfer. Or you’re just a bad golfer. Either way, you lose a lot of golf balls. Frustrating, isn’t it?

Instead of continuously shelling out for new golf balls, why not invest in a $200 GPS-inspired golf ball location system from RadarGolf?

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Don’t forget the special golf balls that cost $40 per dozen, too.

Though that may be far more expensive than the golf balls you’re currently using, this system will lead you right to the pond into which you hit your high-tech ball or right towards the fence that you just hit it over.

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Off the Course Umbrella: $55

This is an umbrella and a golf club—BUT!—you can’t actually use it to play golf—BUT!—its designer got the idea from his “rainy day golf outings.”

The Off the Course Umbrella is made of steel, fiberglass, polyester and rubber and “should not be used as a golf club.” Come on!

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When a golf club is not a golf club it becomes art, as evidenced by the fact that this product is sold by the Museum of Modern Art.

Must be nice. This guy makes a golf club umbrella and it’s art—I make a golf club umbrella and everybody calls me crazy. Granted, my golf club umbrella also doubled as a UroClub, albeit without the triple-seal, leak proof cap.

I figured, hey, nobody will notice as long as it’s raining. Well, people notice. Nosy people. “Ewww, what’s that smell?” Like you can smell that, lady!

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The Organized Rotating Golf Club Bag: $199.95

Before this $200 golf bag came along, you had to either A) reach over other clubs to get at a club on the other side of your bag or B) rotate your bag with your hands like some sort of savage.

Thankfully those days are long gone now that the Organized Rotating Golf Bag is here. It features a Lazy Susan-like midsection so you can keep your clubs organized—every club must have a spot and that spot shan’t ever be taken up by another club. You’re not obsessive-compulsive. You just like things a certain way. There’s nothing wrong with that.

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The bag also features five pockets that are perfect for storing tissues, wet wipes, a pencil sharpener, alcohol swabs, unopened golf gloves, the Twister, mild cleaning solution for the Twister, hand sanitizer, separate mild cleaning solution in case the hand sanitizer gets contaminated, individually wrapped golf tees, medical documents, an inhaler, clean socks, backup clean socks, cotton balls, gauze, band aids, a bee sting kit, and flares.

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The Potty Putter: $27.49

If you habitually miss short, tap-in putts while in a seated position, the Potty Putter is right up your alley.

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You get a “custom shaped putting green that sits around your toilet” (and stays clean forever, right?), a putter, two golf balls, a cup (with flag!) and a do-not-disturb sign that you can hang on the door even though you live alone and use your money to buy things like the Potty Putter.

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Golf Club Drink Dispenser: $99.99

I’ll gladly incur the expense that the game of golf and all its various accessories, disposables and greens fees command but it’ll be a cold day in Acapulco before I pay $5 for a beer from some cart girl trying to earn money so she can go to college.

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If that sounds like something you’ve said before, take heart. The $100 Golf Club Drink Dispenser pays for itself after 20 beers. It holds four and a half of them at a time, too, which you can ultimately blame for your 28 handicap and all those broken windows on the back nine.

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Swing Tempo Golf Swing Rhythm Metronome: $129.95

A smooth, evenly-paced golf swing is one of the most important aspects of the game. Thankfully, the $130 Swing Tempo Golf Swing Rhythm Metronome can help you get your ideal swing tempo down to a science.

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Once you’ve locked in your ideal swing tempo, just fire up the old $130 golf metronome to keep everything in rhythm.

41 B0xw-F1L._SL500_AA300_And if you’re thinking of going the cheap route with this standard $7 digital metronome, DON’T. It doesn’t say “golf” anywhere on it, now does it? And it doesn’t have a belt clip either. Have fun keeping it in your pocket!

The golf metronome also has “lighted LED technology” to help you visualize your “mental swing image.” See those lights that form an arc around the cartoon golfer up there? That’s your swing. Good luck finding a feature like that on a $7 metronome.

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The Weed Whacking Golf Driver: $39.95

Is it a crime to tidy up a little bit while you’re on the golf course? Of course not. But the last time you tried to sneak a weed whacker onto the course, you spent the morning in jail. Maybe firing it up inside the pro shop wasn’t your finest moment, sure, but when you’re surrounded by uneven blades of grass it’s not your fault for getting overstimulated.

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Next time just plop the Weed Whacking Golf Driver into your meticulously organized Rotating Golf Club Bag and, if possible, wait until you get far, far away from the clubhouse before you start manicuring the course.

And don’t let any of the maintenance people see you. You’ll make them feel bad. They mean well; they just don’t have your same attention to detail.

More on TIME.com:

Video: Taking On Tiger Woods at His Own Game

New Tiger Woods Game Brings Masters Tournament, Jim Nantz

Two Minute Video: Golf Club Meets Wii Remote with the Chicken Stick

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