It’s Friday! Maybe you just got paid. You could use that money for boring stuff like bills, rent, and food, or you could act like a wonderfully impulsive consumer and spend it on any number of products. Here are some ideas to get you started based on your taxable income bracket.
10% ($0 to $8,500)
Fun Slides Carpet Skates: $16
These professional carpet skates may have the word “fun” in the product name, but there’s nothing fun about being the fastest employee in your entire office park. No, it’s more of a quiet dignity that you’re honored to have living inside of you each and every day.
“I need to get these reports to Jensen in the next 30 seconds but I just don’t have time!” you’ll hear an exasperated coworker say. We’ll see about that, won’t we, Fun Slides Carpet Skates?
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15% ($8,500 to $34,500)
Fuuvi Chocolate Digital Camera: $50
You’ve just met the girl of your dreams. Two peas in a pod! That’s how people describe you. “I love chocolate more than anything!” she says. “I love photography more than anything!” you say.
“We both adore crappy, overpriced gadgets!” you say in unison, your heartbeats increasing in tandem until they reach a feverish rhythm that compels both of you to embrace one another like a stock boy at a sporting goods store carries a giant punching bag out to the sales floor.
It’s as though the $50 Fuuvi Chocolate Digital Camera was made just for you. Does it have a flash? Nope. Can it hold more than 25 photos at a laughable 640×480 resolution? Nope. More than 12 seconds of video? Nope. But it’s a camera that looks like chocolate. Isn’t that what’s really important here?
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25% ($34,500 to $83,600)
USB Cooling Necktie: $90
Sure is hard being a businessman, huh? Especially in the summer! You rock a short sleeve dress shirt with total disregard for the year 2011, sure, but you still find yourself sweating like a Norwegian’s upper lip during Jonsok (I’m allowed to make that joke. “Aamoth”—look it up).
There’s GOT to be a better way! Preferably one that involves a USB connection! Thankfully the $90 USB Cooling Necktie fits the bill perfectly.
You’ll need to be within 4.4 feet of a computer at all times since the tie’s futuristic cooling fan draws power from a standard USB port, but that ought to cover at least 90% of your waking life, right?
“How’s work going?” your friend and/or family member will ask. “Cool,” you’ll say. Then both of you will laugh for an uncomfortably long period of time.
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28% ($83,600 to $174,400)
Regulation Size Stowable Shuffle Board Court: $1,695
If you’re within this taxable income bracket and you don’t have a regulation size stowable shuffle board court for some insanely unbelievable reason, look around you. Who is to blame? Chances are, it’s someone in your vicinity.
Whoever’s nearest to you has probably hidden the fact that a regulation size stowable shuffle board court has been available for purchase this whole time. THEIR DECEPTION HAS FINALLY BEEN UNMASKED.
Invite them to play on your shuffleboard court if you must, but leverage the item’s stowability whenever possible. They didn’t share its existence with you, so why should you share its long overdue purchase with them?
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33% ($174,400 to $379,150)
Octane 120 Pro Beer Arcade: $6,000
This is an arcade style racing cabinet with a force feedback seat and steering wheel, plus metal gas, clutch and brake petals. It comes with its own built-in gaming PC, 200 games, and an HD projector. If THAT’s not enough, it’s also got a half-barrel keg-o-rater built into the back of it.
Are you still reading this? Why are you still reading this? You should have torn the back pocket out of your pants trying to get at your wallet by now.
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35% ($379,150 and up)
Diamond-Encrusted Putter: $163,240
Behold the majesty of this diamond-encrusted, 18-karat gold Callaway putter. Behold it! It really doesn’t seem like you’re beholding it. I could have sworn you’d be more impressed. Yes, it looks like a Callaway putter. But look closely. See the diamonds and the gold? Cool, huh?
It will not help you putt better. BornRich.com says you can use it “to tee off in style,” though, so I guess we’re all assuming you’ll be frequenting golf courses wherein you tee off with your putter.
Putt putt courses, as it were. Classy, exclusive, members-by-invite-only, not-even-allowed-to-tip-the-wait-staff putt putt courses.
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