It’s Friday! Maybe you just got paid. You could use that money for boring stuff like bills, rent, and food, or you could act like a wonderfully impulsive consumer and spend it on any number of products. Here are some ideas to get you started based on your taxable income bracket.
10% ($0 to $8,500)
Medieval Weapons Pushpins: $10
Your low salary is only a reflection of your relative inexperience in the business world so far. It has nothing to do with your potential! That being said, a first job is like prison. You’d be wise to act crazy right away.
And nothing says crazy like sending the strong message that NOBODY MESSES WITH THE PICTURES OF PLEATED PANTS THAT YOU TEAR OUT OF MAGAZINES AND PIN TO YOUR CUBICLE’S BULLETIN BOARD.
You can’t send that message with standard pushpins.
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15% ($8,500 to $34,500)
Umbrella Messenger Bag: $25
Hey there, pretty lady. Multitasking, eh? I didn’t mean to call you pretty in a weird, creepy way—more like in a way conveying that I recognize you as a powerful, confident, movin’-and-shakin’ kind of lady.
I’m really digging myself into a hole here. I’m married anyway. Please don’t tell my wife about this. I BARELY KNOW YOU! I just thought your Umbrella Messenger Bag was cool. It allows you to drink coffee and seal deals concurrently, which other messenger bags can only do during non-rainy instances. That’s all I’m trying to say.
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25% ($34,500 to $83,600)
Eco-Otome Toilet Sound Blocker: $44
You’re moving up in the corporate world but those power lunches are getting the best of you. Until you’ve reached Executive Washroom status (they call them washrooms) you’ll need to continue sharing the crap shack (that’s what we call it) with everyone else. But it’s embarrassing!
Luckily, there’s this Eco-Otome Toilet Sound Blocker. How does it block sound? I’m glad you asked. It “makes the noise of a toilet flushing to hide the other noises you might be making.” Pressing the button makes a 25 second-long flushing sound. Yes, 25 seconds. It won’t be weird at all for people to hear someone flushing the world’s slowest toilet 10 times in a row.
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28% ($83,600 to $174,400)
Comically Large iPhone Speaker Dock: $284
You have an iPhone BUT WHO DOESN’T? Back in the good old days, only the very wealthy could afford iPhones. How, now, can you let people know that not only do you own an iPhone, but that you’re part of the upper crust of society as well? This giant iPhone dock certainly couldn’t hurt.
The best part is that it’s got a built-in 8-hour battery so you can take the show on the road, as it were. “Yes, I’d like one business class ticket on the next train to Moolah Junction. I’ll need an extra seat for my large, expensive iPhone dock too, so if you could seat us together, that’d be great.”
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33% ($174,400 to $379,150)
Dual Roller Platina Body Massager: $308
Mo’ money, mo’ problems, as they say. Your problem is that you’re making money faster than you can spend it. If only there were a product that looked like a faucet handle with two hair curlers jutting out of it. It could be marketed as a personal massager and priced at $308.
Order one for the home, one for the car and one for the office. Just make sure to work how much they cost into any conversations you have. “Yep. It’s hard to find a good dual roller platina body massager for under $308 bucks nowadays but, hey, what’re you gonna do, right?” Right!
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35% ($379,150 and up)
Electric Bike with 50-MPH Top Speed: Priceless!
Ordinarily you’d leave bike riding to the unwashed masses but the proliferation of these electric bikes has made the “sport” of not doing any physical work on a bike impossible to resist.
And if you’re going to get an electric bike, go big. This custom-cobbled mountain bike hits a cool 50 miles an hour on the open road. If only you could see the faces of those you whiz by at breakneck speed. “Did I just see some guy in a tux riding a mountain bike pass me on the highway?”
Did you? It was probably little more than a blur of cufflinks and coat tails.
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