Must be nice! Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has the financial wherewithal to get a home mortgage, as evidenced by his recent purchase of a $7 million spread in Palo Alto, California. Zuck had apparently been renting a house up until now, which is adorable.
Let’s take a look at his new digs, shall we?
Here’s the front of the house. Hordes of tricker-treaters will descend on that porch come Halloween, at least one of which will be dressed as Mark Zuckerberg. Real Zuck and Halloween Zuck will stare at each other quizzically for a few moments, appreciate the irony, and then part ways.
Here’s the back of the house. It has a pool. A pool is like a mullet. You have to maintain it or it gets all gross and leaves get stuck in it. I hope Zuck has budgeted for someone to maintain the pool. It won’t maintain itself.
Here’s the bathroom. What’s up with that thing by the tub? It’s probably a laptop holder, knowing Zuck. Classic Zuck!
Outdoor fireplace and picnic table—very classy. This will be the area where Facebook employees will know that they’ve “made it.” They’ll say to each other, “Oh well if you’ve sat by the outdoor fireplace with Zuck, don’t worry about getting fired. You’re pretty much set for a while.”
Here’s a room nobody will use. “Please don’t put your feet on that ottoman. It’s for decoration. And that wicker chair only supports 35 pounds, so don’t sit on that either. You know what? Let’s just get out of this room, okay?”
Here’s a table with room for eight but no TVs or computers. Those chairs look comfortable for a quick snack but little else.
And yet another table with room for six and slightly more comfortable chairs. That back wall could use a painting of Zuckerberg in a velvet jacket like that one that Kramer had done on Seinfeld.
This is a green kitchen. Zuckerberg is colorblind so who knows what the hell color he thinks this is. “Facebook blue! My favorite!” he’ll say. “Shhh, nobody tell Zuck it’s not blue,” one of his right-hand men will tell everyone else.
I’m sitting on the couch, I’m looking at where that dopey old timey clock is, and I’m wondering why I’m not watching a TV. This is called “house poor.” You’re blowing all your money on a mortgage, so you can’t afford a TV set—let alone a monthly cable bill. “Oh I’ll just cruise Facebook all day,” thinks Zuck. Good luck. It gets old after a while. Just saying.
Now this just seems like clutter for clutter’s sake.
“Wow, Zuck, I’d have thought you’d have a king size bed,” someone will say. “Well, they couldn’t fit it through the pagoda/phone booth/vine holder thing on the walkway. I don’t actually know what it is but our decorator has a real boner about it for some reason,” is what Zuck will say.
And last but not least, here’s the porch where Zuck and his lady-friend Priscilla Chan will grow old together. In about fifty years, Zuck will say, “I’ve always hated this wicker couch.” Priscilla will say, “No, you haven’t. You told me you liked it.” Zuck will say, “Well, I don’t.” And Priscilla will wonder what else she doesn’t know about Zuck. All these years and he’s still an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a hooded sweatshirt.
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