It’s Friday! Maybe you just got paid. You could use that money for boring stuff like bills, rent, and food, or you could act like a wonderfully impulsive consumer and spend it on any number of products. Here are some ideas to get you started based on your taxable income bracket.
10% ($0 to $8,500)
Dock Fan for iPhone: $15
You’re slowly beginning to realize the ramifications of owning an iPhone on your salary. Apps? Yes! Money for air conditioning? Sadly, no. Instead of blaming your iPhone, why not put it to work with the $15 Dock Fan? It’s good for six hours of low-powered cooling action and, though not specifically noted as a feature, may double as protection from would-be phone thieves.
“Stay back, I said! I know how to use this thing!” That’ll be you yelling at a phone thief, if you couldn’t tell.
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15% ($8,500 to $34,500)
Backpack Umbrella: $40
Smart and sassy? That’s you. Emphasis on “smart” with your hands-free Backpack Umbrella. Strolling around town—whup, there’s a friend of yours on the right hand side of the street. Wave! Whup, there’s another one on the left hand side. Wave with your other hand! All these things and more are possible when you’re wearing an umbrella on your back.
Carrying multiple environmentally responsible grocery bags in the rain? No problem. Hugging another Backpack Umbrella owner in the rain? No problem. Impromptu karate fight in the rain? No problem. You go, Girl.
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25% ($34,500 to $83,600)
Configurable Reading Pillow: $100
Finally, a pillow that can be molded into different shapes! And at $100, we can all agree that this futuristic advancement in pillow technology is a downright steal. You may own a pillow that’s meant for sleeping, and you may own a larger pillow that you use for reading in bed, but did you ever imagine you’d be able to own one single pillow that can be used for both tasks? And that it’d only cost $100? We’re in the golden age of pillows, my friends.
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28% ($83,600 to $174,400)
Hellboy’s Big Baby Gun: $500
You’ve been feverishly searching for a way to settle disagreements—not disagreements between two people, per se, but disagreements between you and another person wherein that person is being a TOTAL IDIOT about who’d win in a fight between Norm, Cliff and Carla on Cheers.
“Let’s ask Big Baby,” you’ll say. “Let’s see what Big Baby thinks. What do you think, Big Baby? Am I right, here, or is this mouth breather right? I think I’m right, don’t you, Big Baby?” Yeah. Let’s ask Big Baby, indeed.
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33% ($174,400 to $379,150)
Five-foot Dalek: $4,920
You’ll undoubtedly find your own personal Dalek to be somewhat of a conversation starter. “Sure, this little guy supposedly knows no other emotion than hate, but look at the two of us! Just like a couple of peas in a pod, huh? We just caught a Cubs game and we’re gonna head on over to the Cubby Bear to pick up some chicks. That’s our day, pretty much.”
Dalek? More like, “Hey, look. That’s a wonderful friendship.”
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35% ($379,150 and up)
Convertible Pool Table: $20,250
Let me get this straight. You play pool on one table and then you walk into a room with another table when you want to eat? And then another room when you want to work? What kind of sucker are you? Have you even read the Constitution? Your current lifestyle is an outrage, to put it mildly.
Luckily, this $20,000+ convertible pool table can replace all those other tables strewn about your house. The hand crank strikes a sour, sweaty, blue-collar note but there’s a motorized version available for an additional $4,500, which we can all agree is a 100% worthwhile add-on.
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