Paycheck Friday: Purchasing Suggestions for Your Perusal

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It’s Friday! Maybe you just got paid. You could use that money for boring stuff like bills, rent, and food, or you could act like a wonderfully impulsive consumer and spend it on any number of products. Here are some ideas to get you started based on your taxable income bracket.

10% ($0 to $8,500)

MIRR-0187

Press Conference Mirror: $27

Financially, you may not have hit the big time yet but that’s no reason you can’t get a little practice in while you’re building your empire. This $27 Press Conference Mirror will help you hone your media skills every morning while you’re getting ready.

Try out such phrases as: “No comment” and “Next question” and “I can’t recall” before moving on to more advanced utterances like, “She was my sister!” and “You can’t prove those pants are mine!” and “That depends on what your definition of ‘is’ is.”

That ought to be good for at least a +10 in charisma points, friend.

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15% ($8,500 to $34,500)

metaphys-viss-spiral-eraser-1

Spiral Eraser Set: $114

Yes, your funds are limited but I bet if you sat down and took a good, hard look at your spending habits, you’d see an awful lot of entries in the “Eraser Purchases” column. Wouldn’t you? WOULDN’T YOU?!

You certainly won’t hear me telling anyone that spending $114 on 15 erasers is a bad idea. Know why? Because these erasers never wear down. That’s a one-time $114 outlay, and you’ll never have to buy another eraser again for the rest of your life. Hell, give out the other 14 erasers on special occasions like weddings, birthing ceremonies, and when you’re trying to get someone to make sweet, sweet love to you.

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25% ($34,500 to $83,600)

bedthing

Eight Position Bed Lounger: $130

Pardon me, Miss. I couldn’t help but notice that a) your bed doesn’t have any sheets on it and b) there’s some sort of large apparatus taking up most of your bed’s surface area. Also, your book has no title (and appears to not have any pages) and you actually look kind of uncomfortable.

Are you okay? Is there someone I can call for you?

Everything just seems kind of off, like the scene in Ghostbusters where Honey I Shrunk the Kids goes into Avatar’s apartment and she’s floating above the bed and talking all weird.

Anyhoo. Let me know if you need anything.

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28% ($83,600 to $174,400)

potboiler

Boiling Pot Cell Phone Charger: $285

Your income level provides you with a fair number of creature comforts, but you’ll be damned if you hand another red cent over to the electric company.

Stick it to the man with this boiling pot that features a cable for recharging your portable gadgets. It looks just like any other pot except that it costs $285 and lets you juice up your Gameboy while you’re boiling some lobster.

Also known as “America.”

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33% ($174,400 to $379,150)

tdkboom-1

TDK Boombox Purse: $560

One word to describe you? Sassy. You were voted most sassful in high school, and every time you run into one of your friends from high school, they’re always like, “So. You still into that whole ‘sassy’ thing?”

Wouldn’t the ultimate in sass be if you just flashed them this sassy purse and started thumping “Droppin’ Em,” the hit lead track on LL Cool J’s 1989 masterpiece Walking with a Panther? Well, wouldn’t it?

They’d all walk away saying, “Yep. Still got it. Man, that’s some serious sass. Remember when her purse played that music? I knew at that moment that I was in for some serious sass, but it turned out to be even more sass than I’d initially anticipated.” Something like that.

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35% ($379,150 and up)

solar-bikini-closeup-650x487

Solar Bikini: $1,000

You spend a lot of time at the beach but no matter how many times you tell the people who work for the beach how important you are, they still won’t install electrical outlets for you. It’s like, who’s beach is this?!

Tell them all to cram it with walnuts without saying a word. The $1,000 Solar Bikini will allow you to recharge your diamond-encrusted Rio PMP300 (Google it!) so you’ll have no trouble listening to the entire hour’s worth of music you’ve got stored on it. That’ll show the damn beach.

And comfort? If you can find a more comfortable fabric than “a series of flexible photovoltaic strips woven between conductive thread and hooked to a USB connector,” I’d sure like to hear about it.

Also, I’m aware that the PMP300 used a single AA battery, not a rechargeable one. The idea is there, though.

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