Paycheck Friday! Purchasing Suggestions for Your Perusal

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It’s Friday! Maybe you just got paid. You could use that money for boring stuff like bills, rent, and food, or you could act like a wonderfully impulsive consumer and spend it on any number of products. Here are some ideas to get you started based on your taxable income bracket.

10% ($0 to $8,500)


Turbo Tango Aerosol Soda: $2.57

At your income level, opportunities to outclass all your peers come few and far between. There’s hope, though! While all your mouth-breathing associates are drinking canned soda like animals, you can roll into the break room in style with your own can of aerosol soda.

“Oh hey, guys [pfffft]. Drinking soda from a can, huh? [pffffft] That’s cool. [pffft, pffft, pfffffffffffffffffffffffft]. Oh, me? Just some foam spray soda. That’s how I like to drink it. It’s more elegant. [pffffffffffffffft]

That’ll be you. Until you get promoted, of course, which will happen in no time once word gets around that you drink your soda from an aerosol can. Then it’s off to a better break room.


15% ($8,500 to $34,500)


World’s Dumbest Iron: $29

It’s become abundantly clear that you haven’t quite mastered the “work smarter not harder” concept yet. That stigma will stick with you for the foreseeable future should you purchase the “World’s Smallest Clothes Iron” for $29. Not only will it take you much longer to iron your clothes, but you’ll have paid more than you would have for a standard-size iron.

I rarely advise people to NOT purchase things on this list every Friday, but this is one for which I’m going to have to make an exception. Who am I kidding? I can’t do it. You should buy this thing. Look how tiny it is!

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25% ($34,500 to $83,600)


The Canine’s Instant Sun Shelter: $50

This “Instant Sun Shelter” should by no means be mistaken for a large umbrella. Sure, it “opens like an umbrella” (per the product description) but it’s also got two side panels, two screened windows that unzip, and it’s only for dogs. Oh, and it costs $50. Resist the temptation to a) sit under it yourself and b) use it as an umbrella. That’s not what it’s meant for. It’s meant to be used as protection “from sun, wind, and rain.” But only by your dog.

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28% ($83,600 to $174,400)


Steve Jobs Action Figure: $160

You’ve made a habit of purchasing every new Apple product as it’s released BUT YOU WANT MORE! This $160 Steve Jobs action figure is very similar to an Apple product in that it has a price tag but it doesn’t seem to be in stock anywhere. Apple may very well sick its lawyers on this thing before it even has a chance but, man, can you imagine if you had this thing?

You’d be the envy of all your other Apple-loving cohorts. “Where’d you get that?” they’ll all ask. “Magic,” you’ll say. “How much did it cost?” they’ll ask. “More than it should have,” you’ll answer.

Actually, the fact that the set—even though it doesn’t appear to actually be available anywhere yet—comes with a little desk, iMac, keyboard, mouse and iPad makes it seem like a better deal. Aw crap, now I want one.

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33% ($174,400 to $379,150)


Alligator Skin Android Phone: $6,712

You’re keen to see what the smartphone hubbub is all about but you just can’t bear the thought of blending in with all the hoopleheads that “ride the subway” and “raise their own kids” and “chew their own food” on a day to day basis. Those types of activities are more enjoyable at a fantasy camp where you pay good money to “rough it” for a week.

Luckily, there’s this $6,712 alligator skin Android phone from Tag Heuer. It’s got fair-to-middling technical specs but, again, it’s covered in alligator skin. And it’s a smartphone. Those two prerequisites having been met, you’re now free to proceed with your purchase.

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35% ($379,150 and up)


Animatronic Triceratops: $350,000

That toddler of yours is so hard to shop for! What do you get for the kid that literally has it all? Does he have a $350,000 animatronic triceratops that measures 20 feet long and weighs more than half a ton? DOES HE?!

If so, congratulations on being a good parent.

If not, I have half a mind to call social services on you. You’re sick. Sick.


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