It’s Friday! Maybe you just got paid. You could use that money for boring stuff like bills, rent, and food, or you could act like a wonderfully impulsive consumer and spend it on any number of products. Here are some ideas to get you started based on your taxable income bracket.
10% ($0 to $8,500)
HTML for Babies: $10
Is your baby a self-centered, non-contributing, doughy pile of napping and crying? They all are, right?! Someone’s finally had the common sense to get babies started on the path to the fast-paced world of web development.
HTML for Babies gets your little freeloader up to speed with the latest in standards-compliant programming. It’s all here! Headings, tags, links, tables, lists, fonts, URLs and more. It’s bedtime reading at its finest.
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15% ($8,500 to $34,500)
TV Hat: $30
It’s hard trying to convey to the people around you that you’re not interested in conversing with them. Why else would you have a smartphone? Don’t they get it?!
Thankfully, there’s the $30 TV Hat. Pop your phone into the back of the classy-looking apparatus attached to the comically oversized hat brim and—presto—instant personal movie theater, gaming nook and people avoider.
Remember: You’re not antisocial. Other people are just far too pro-social.
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25% ($34,500 to $83,600)
Foam Dart Rotary Cannon: $80
You’re an adult. Congratulations. Are spreadsheets as fun and exciting as you dreamed they’d be? Cool mortgage, too!
Look at this kid’s face. Look at it! Can you really take the gamble of NOT buying this $80 motorized dart gun? Even if you feel 10% of what this kid was feeling at the time of this photo shoot, it’ll be a huge victory.
Again, look at his face! He looks like the happiest little maniac in the world.
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28% ($83,600 to $174,400)
Snore Stopper Pillow: $412
You could make the argument that your incessant snoring is merely a sign that you’re sound asleep, recharging your body for yet another day of whatever it is you tell everyone you do.
Wouldn’t you rather use a high-tech pillow with a built-in audio sensor that could detect when you’re snoring and then vibrate until you stopped snoring? Sure, it might wake you up a few dozen times throughout the night but at least you won’t be snoring. Well, you’ll be snoring until it wakes you up and then you won’t snore until you fall back asleep. Repeat that cycle until morning, and that’s your $400 pillow in a nutshell.
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33% ($174,400 to $379,150)
18k Gold Plated Personal Massager: $2,180
When only the finest in overpriced personal massagers will do, there’s this: a $2,200 something-or-other that measures an inch and a half wide by three inches high. That’s comfort, friends.
And lest you think it’s a mere golden egg you rub all over yourself, there’s more! It’s got a seven-hour battery and five vibration modes. And it comes in a wooden gift box and features a satin storage pouch. Can you feel yourself loosening up already?
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35% ($379,150 and up)
Diamond-encrusted Nokia: $6,800
When it comes to the hottest smartphone on the market, we can only assume that whatever that phone happens to be, it’s probably made by Nokia, right? Why else would there be a $6,800 diamond-encrusted version available for purchase? That’s how you get people to buy phones. Any time you put on a white glove to handle one of your gadgets, you’re on the right track.
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