6 Reasons Not to Buy Apple’s ‘New’ iPad

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Robert Galbraith / Reuters

So Apple held this quiet, off-the-radar shindig yesterday where they invited a few people to a tiny little iPad-related event in San Francisco, maybe you heard about it… Oh who am I kidding, you’ve probably already placed your preorder for “The new iPad” (lowercase ‘n’), as Apple officially touted it during their latest event-that-nearly-crashed-the-Internet. The new iPad is “resolutionary,” boasts the company’s website, and according to Apple executives, it has a “magical pane of glass.” If you didn’t know better, you’d think Cupertino just launched a new Harry Potter book.

But do you really need one of these “new” iPads? Maybe. They’re certainly attractive with the screen resolution doubled, all the lovely new high-res games and apps, and of course, 4G LTE support. But just in case you’re not feeling any of that “magical” love, here’s an unimpeachable haters checklist.

(MORE: New iPad Launch: Why Everything We Think We Know About Apple’s Events Is Wrong)

You really, really wanted an iPad 3. Yep, Apple’s new iPad is just called “iPad,” or “The new iPad,” if you want to get technical about it. Sure, the company already does that with its MacBook lineup (ever heard of a MacBook Air 2 or a MacBook Pro 3?), but no, you definitely wanted an iPad 3, so who cares if it comes with a holodeck or lets you travel through time — you’re not spending penny one for anything without the number “3″ in the moniker.

1024 x 768 pixel resolution is “eye-popping” enough. Remember the Cyndi Lauper song “The Goonies ‘R’ Good Enough”? Insert “1024 x 768,” or just “either of the first two iPads.” Apple’s new iPad takes you higher, of course — to a glorious 2048 x 1536 pixels, or 264 ppi (pixels per inch) — but since that’s technically not iPhone 4S caliber (326 ppi), you’re not budging. “Retina” display? Pffft.

You live outside your area’s 4G LTE umbrella. Why pay upwards of $800 for an iPad that’ll only connect at prehistoric 3G speeds? What’s Apple trying to pull here? (Wait, they still sell a model that’s Wi-Fi-only for $500?)

The “new” iPad is bigger and heavier. The iPad 2 is 0.34 inches and weighs 1.33 pounds. The “new” iPad, by contrast, is 0.37 inches and weighs 1.4 pounds. Imagine the added strain on your wrists and metacarpals!

You wanted an 8-megapixel camera. The “new” iPad’s rear-facing camera only does 5-megapixels. There go all your pro photography dreams of replacing a cheaper, higher-end digital camera that fits in your pocket with a tablet that barely fits in a purse.

It doesn’t come with Siri. Sure, Apple included a voice dictation feature courtesy a mic button on the virtual keyboard, but you wanted Siri, by gosh, and if the “new” iPad won’t answer questions like “Where do babies come from?” or “How much wood would a woodchucker chuck if a woodchucker could chuck wood?” then everyone out of the pool, no “The new iPad” for you.

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