10 Quotes You Won’t Hear at Apple’s iPhone 5 Event Today

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Apple

We’ve painstakingly compiled 10 quotes we’re absolutely certain you won’t hear come out of Tim Cook’s (or any Apple executive’s) mouth while onstage at the iPhone 5 unveiling today.

“Aside from this newest iPhone, we’re introducing a second product line. We’re returning back to the glory days of flip-phones.”

“We waited to do a tactile keypad until we could do a great one. This is a great one.”

“Sometimes you need to redial someone quickly. We’ve invented something we’re calling the NewtonDial button.”

“Push-to-talk is dead. We call this feature Insta-Apple-Voice-Your-Friends.”

“The Verizon version is called the Apple iPhone Fliptino MaXx 4G LTE by Verizon, Inc. The Sprint version is called the Apple iPhone Fliptino 4G ChaRge LTE by Sprint. The AT&T version is called the 4G LTE iPhone FlipTino Sandpiper by Apple.”

“We’ve kept a touchscreen, of course, but we’ve optimized it for one-handed use. In fact, we’ve future-proofed it with six-finger multitouch.”

“Let’s place a test call to Phil Schiller. HELLO? IS THIS WORKING? WHAT DO I PUSH NOW?”

“Now, let’s talk about the iPhone. Sorry to fake you out with the ’5′ shadow on the event invitation. We’re calling our newest version the iPhone 4GS. Psych. It’s the iPhone Galaxi S V. Psych. Too soon? Settle down, we’re calling it the iPhone 5. Clap now.”

“Sold exclusively at JC Penny, the Tim Cook Signature Edition comes with a gorgeous champagne finish.”

“So that’s the iPhone 5. BAM!!!”

MORE: Live Coverage: Appleā€™s iPhone 5 Event