Finally, You Can Buy Your Very Own Zoltar Machine for $9,000

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Hammacher Schlemmer

I won’t pretend that this is the first Zoltar machine to ever be made available for purchase and subsequent private enjoyment inside a single-family home. These things were probably flying off the shelves back in 1988.

But you can order this $9,000 version in multiple quantities, pay $200 extra for shipping and wait one to two weeks for delivery. The thing weighs 225 pounds, which is pretty close to what I weigh. If you like, I’ll come to your house for $9,000 plus $200 towards a plane ticket and tell you your fortunes all day. I can’t stay overnight, though.

The greatest part about this Hammacher Schlemmer product page is the “How Many?” box. Alas, you can’t just add it to your virtual shopping cart: You’ll have to actually call the 1-800 number to finish the order. “This item requires personalization,” says the company. I hope that means putting you on speakerphone while all the salespeople cheer.

As if you need to be reminded how Zoltar works, here’s the skinny:

This is Zoltar, the classic animatronic fortune teller found in arcades, that stands 6 1/2′ tall, and augurs a spoken and printed fortune for you. Richly detailed with a handlebar mustache and beard, a gold head wrap, gold shirt, paisley vest, and jewelry, the bust of Zoltar stands in a solid wheeled cabinet of oak with birch veneers, finished in gold-and black-painted trim, and is surrounded by three panes of tempered glass. Zoltar acknowledges your presence and invites you to approach him. Once you insert a quarter (coins may be removed), Zoltar nods his head up and down as his crystal ball illuminates and he sweeps his hand back and forth. Zoltar provides 16 different spoken fortunes and dispenses one of 23 different printed fortunes in the form of a paper card; 2,000 fortune cards are included. The fortune is dispensed from the front of the cabinet.

Word to the wise: Don’t wish that Zoltar makes you big, like in the movie. Wish that Zoltar gives you unlimited wishes. You always wish for unlimited wishes. Then you don’t have to worry about running out of the 2,000 fortune cards either.

Zoltar [Hammacher Schlemmer]

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