Toxic Facebook Friends: Tolerate, Hide or Defriend

Here's how to stay sane when you're surrounded by insane friends.

  • Share
  • Read Later
BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI / AFP / Getty Images

Everyone and their grandmas are on this strange microcosm of humanity called Facebook. The social network sounds nice and idealistic — but it often changes people’s personalities, at least how they come across online. Reducing everything to photos, updates and check-ins distills a your wit and charm, but it can also bring out the worst — exaggerating eccentricities into full-on freakdom, turning endearing quirks into grating behaviors.

The result: Facebook is the world’s strangest party, with personalities that can make you lose your faith in humanity. Don’t let that happen — judicious hiding and defriending is the difference between a sane Facebook experience and the online version of Dante’s Tenth Circle of Hell. But who to tolerate, hide or… gasp, delete?

Lucky for you, I’ll break down the personality types, along with recommendations on whether to toleratehide or kill… I mean, defriend them. Don’t kill them… yet.

1. The Showboat
Tell-Tale Signs: You love to hate them. Profiles show how awesome their travels are, complete with jaw-dropping bits about fabulous accomplishments. That phenomenal lobster dinner in St. Lucia? Post it! That amazing helicopter ride along Norway‘s Lofoten Island? Post it! Oh, and don’t forget the unbelievably cute bakery they stumbled upon in the outskirts of Ankara, Turkey. If those opulent photo montages don’t annoy you by now, the breathless tone of their updates will: “Vegas miracle! Had a free room at Caesars this weekend, but when we checked in they upgraded us to the Augustus Tower — Winning!”

Oh, and of course, they wouldn’t let you forget about their promotion at work, the great gifts they got for their birthday or the A’s they got in Mandarin Chinese and Sign Language class. In short, their posts make you want to vomit. That is, if you haven’t already. Post it!

Who They Really Are: What you have is the classic poser. Sure, they have a great life on Facebook, but if life is so good, why are they always on Facebook? Checkmate. Okay, to be fair, perhaps they go to these fabulous places, but they’ll likely have $20,000 in debt too, not to mention raging OCD. For these types, I’d say hide them. Yes, extravagant posts are a bit like car crashes — they’re hard not to look at, but you slightly vomit in your mouth at the sight. Take heart that chances are, they’ll get divorced, you’ll hear they embezzled from their company and have pot-smoking lunatics for kids. Yes, it’ll be a downward spiral. And when it happens, it’ll be good — that alone is worth keeping them around. William Hurt is a vintage Hollywood version of the Showboat:

2. The Oprah
Tell-Tale Signs: You’ll recognize the Oprah by the barrage of inspirational quotes, photos of sunrises and constant links to articles about positive thinking. They’re like the Showboat, but with an empathetic twist. Yes, their lives are great, and they’re determined yours can be, too — except instead of actually helping you, they post pithy little quotes to inspire. So if you’re tired of their relentless rants from Joel Osteen — “One day it will all come together and everything will make sense. You will see God’s amazing plan taking you places you’ve never dreamed of” — then, you know you’ve got an Oprah on your hands. You’re going to be happy if it kills them… or you, but I’m betting you kill them first.

Their determination to stay positive about everything seems downright Pollyanna. They post, “I love how the sun shines on me before I have to wake up!” Of course, you have to read this on the day you give up coffee. Even their lifestyle posts are obnoxious. You don’t care about that must-try Red Velvet Cheesecake recipe? Yeah, neither do I, nor the world.

Who They Really Are: Their mission to bring sunshine to everyone else’s life, but their well-meaning efforts and cloying know-it-all-ness gets annoying. The problem with the Oprah is their good intentions don’t always resonate with you if you’re juggling very basic, real-life problems. And their advice is about as useful as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. But still, I’d recommend you tolerate them. The Oprah means well, and you have to admit, those corny quotes can sometimes ring true. Let the Queen of Talk say it in her own words:

3. The Complainer
Tell-Tale Signs: You can spot them a mile away. Day after day, their posts are nothing but a litany of gripes — they prattle on about how little sleep they get, the ins and outs of their wisdom teeth saga and acting like martyrs because they have to deal with life’s ups and downs. Sure, we’ve all posted a complaint or two, but whining is all the Complainer does.

Some Complainers also double as incognito Showboaters — “So hectic — have to unpack my bag from Mexico and pack it for New York City for the weekend!” While Showboaters are obnoxious, at least there’s some integrity in owning it. Complainers, meanwhile, takes it as a hidden opportunity to brag. It’s the worst of both worlds.

Who They Really Are: The Complainer sees Facebook as a refuge, which is exhausting for those who don’t. Your replies, likes and comments only feed their raging, passive-aggressive inner beasts. If Facebook ever invented a “dislike” button, the Complainer would tattoo it over their aching, beleaguered heart.

I’d recommend you defriend them, unless they’re especially witty or funny, which may be grounds for a hide. Take a page from Bogart in Casablanca — he gets it right. The problems of three people don’t amount to a hill of beans:

4. The Cryptic
Tell-Tale Signs: You never hear from the Cryptic, but when you do, it’s always bewildering and vaguely ominous. Updates hint at some tantalizing, all-consuming drama bubbling up. They use words like “just sayin’” to dump complaints without taking responsibility for the feelings of others: “Just sayin’ I really hate two-faced people who claim they don’t like someone, but then they’re all buddy-buddy when they see them.” Posts often start vague, and they might even spark your curiosity. But they escalate in urgency, leaving you to ponder the meanings. “Argh, I’m so effen aggravated! People should know not to cross THAT line.” What line? Please enlighten us, Cryptic!

Posts feel like you stumbled in an argument — you don’t know what’s going on or what the problem is. It looks exciting, but the conflict is usually sadly pedestrian. Soap operas are fading away from television, but they are alive and well here.

Who They Really Are: Their spare yet dramatic posts make them seem mysterious, but a peek behind the curtain reveals nothing but your average drama queen. The true Cryptic hasn’t evolved emotionally beyond the third grade. They revel in broadcasting their spats and inner turmoil to get you to lean in and ask, “What’s going on?” Of course, when you do, they’ll only reply ominously, “I’ll e-mail you.”

Their posts draw you in, which is invariably a waste of time since they can make a mountain out of any molehill. So I’d recommend you defriend them, unless you suspect there is some serious underlying issue and you can help. Of course, if you defriend them, they’ll probably post something like, “You can’t rely on people anymore,” making you a part of the eternal sturm-und-drang of their existence.

5. The Professional
Tell-Tale Signs: The Professional asks you to like their official Facebook page. Then they invite you promotional events and post every mention of their accomplishments in the press — past, present and future. They can’t stop posting about work. Even fun activities are painted with a professional veneer. At best, they don’t feel like a friend, but more like a boss that added you on Facebook. Their profile is the 21st equivalent of a resume, and their advertisements and solicitations litter your news feed. From musicians hawking their live bootleg recordings and bloggers begging you for a click, to stay-at-home moms pushing 31 bags and candles — they have many faces, but work is their primary obsession.

Who They Really Are: The Professional pulls out all the stops — either to land their dream job, launch their business or take it to the next level. With the relentless presence of brands and companies on Facebook, they don’t think twice about blurring social and professional lines. For the Professional, they’re the same. Everyone has to make a living, I suppose, and due to these tough times, I’d give some slack and tolerate them. But if they cross the line to Relentless Self-Promoter — feel free to hide or defriend. Or, maybe send them a message first, saying you’ll meet them on LinkedIn. As Alec Baldwin said to Jack Lemmon, “Coffee is for closers.”

6. The Crusader
Tell-Tale Signs: The Crusader posts about causes — protecting animals, fighting for a cure and, of course, politics. They use fear, inflammatory language and pictures to get your attention — posts like, “Don’t let special interests buy a seat on the Supreme Court,” and “Of course Obama lies. That’s what liberals do best.” The comments below their posts become epic events of ax-grinding and soapboxing, and friends are pummeled with campaigns and “calls to action.” It’s enough to make you nostalgic for the days when a MoveOn.org petition was enough to show you care.

Who They Really Are: They have strong opinions, but without an audience, they’re like the tree that falls in the forest… wait. Well, whatever. The point is, Facebook makes them feel powerful and influential. They use the platform to state and fortify their positions, which range in topics from vegans, dog-spaying and sports. But the sure-fire way to tell a Crusader? They flare up around election time like a bad case of hemorrhoids. You may agree with them, or you may not, but the problem is the crap your feed gets infested with. I’d say hidethem. But if posts cross the line into the Hater territory — which was cute when Reese Witherspoon did it in “Election” — it may be better to defriend them.

7. The Scenester
Tell-Tale Signs: You’d swear someone cloned them and sent them to all the restaurant openings, club debuts and sporting events — they still have their finger on the pulse of emerging trends. It doesn’t matter if they’re in West Coast tech, at a Heartland Church or rocking out on a Lower East Side bar — they’re at the epicenter, with real-time updates and copious amounts of photo evidence. They let you know that Jim Beam has a new white whiskey, give you behind-the-scenes shots of Pink’s concert and rave about the next tech gadget. They never forget to check-in, either, so you know they’re at Sunday service or doing their RunKeeper laps. I suppose you can’t really blame them for swapping real-world interaction for an online life — Facebook is their ultimate wingman and sidekick, tagging along to every fabulous place they go.

Who They Really Are: They love being at the center of the universe, and who doesn’t? But they orbit amid hip people, places and things. As a Facebook friend, you play audience to their connectedness. Scenesters are a little like flashy Showboaters — minus the brag. But ultimately, they just want to share the fun and genuinely want you to join in, unlike their Hipster brethren, who are too cool for Facebook. And if you can’t be there in person, at least you can join the party on Facebook. I’d recommend you tolerate them, especially if you can get beyond the jealousy. Posts can be informative and entertaining, and the good outweighs the bad. Who knows — you just might find something fun to do from the posts. Just be ready to untag yourself from the photos the next morning.

8. The Perennial Parent
Tell-Tale Signs: The most obvious sign is the profile picture. Instead of the grown-up you know, it’s three tow-headed kids, grinning at the beach or on vacation. Whether it’s where they go — “Off to see Josh star in the school play tonight” — what they do — “Busy making Maddie’s prima ballerina costume for Friday’s recital” — or what they think about — “Hm… planning a healthy hummus snack for Taylor’s lunch tomorrow: carrots or celery?” — they view everything through a parenting lens. Their motto is, “My kids, my self,” and they post every milestone in excruciating detail, as if they had the last kid on Earth. Lose their tooth? Post it! Cried on the first day of school? Post it! Did you vomit in your mouth again? Post it! In short, if you ever wanted a family, their posts will make you think twice about having kids.

But some take it a step further, detailing what good parents they are — “Suzy nibbled on foie gras tonight before digging into her lamb shank and cassoulet: a deserving meal after pedaling her tricycle!” Can you see them smugly patting themselves on the back? Ding! Your family’s mac and cheese dinner is ready in the microwave.

Who They Really Are: The Perennial Parent treats Facebook like an ongoing family journal. No doubt, Mark Zuckerberg wants this, but it drives everyone else nuts. You know that phrase, “There’s no such thing as an ugly baby?” Parents of ugly babies say that. And you can post too many photos of babies, turning all of us into potential Complainers. And of course, when those little runts grow up, what’s a Perennial Parent to do? I’m curious to see what the Facebook equivalent of empty nest syndrome is.

If you’re related to a Perennial Parent, I’d suggest you just tolerate them — you’re not friends anyways, you’re related, so you suck it up like everyone else. Besides, you don’t want to be asked, “So why did you defriend me?” at the next Christmas gathering. If the connection is distant, though, go ahead and hidethem — you can always catch up quickly before you visit them.

When Jean-Paul Sartre wrote, “Hell is other people,” he wasn’t talking about Facebook — but he could have been. More likely than not, you have a few, if not all, of the eight personalities on your Facebook feed. Social media, for all its ways to bring us closer, can often push us apart. But if you follow these simple tips — whether to tolerate, hide or defriend — you’ll be able to keep your sanity, with slightly less vomit.

This article was written by Margaret Rock and originally appeared on Mobiledia.
More from Mobiledia:

58 comments
bethm
bethm

Have people lost their senses of humor?  I just came upon this and chuckled out loud at a few lines! Margaret is witty and spot-on.

AndreP.O.
AndreP.O.

I dislike FB too in many ways. But does the author realize that she listed ALL the reasons people are on FB in the first place? I hope that the next article on Techland won't be on how "revolutionary" social media are. (Although who these days expects consistency and coherence from Time?)

NenengLiit
NenengLiit

I will kill you with my kindness. Please friend me on facebook and follow my travels, my children's growing up, my business' performance and my new toys. I spend about 10k a month on big girl toys that I brag about on facebook all the time. Usually people would just admire and get inspired by whatever accomplishments I achieve. Your choice to be inspired or be jealous. If you choose the latter feel free and kill yourself. LOL.

EcnemèlcEbbel
EcnemèlcEbbel

Wow everyone seems to have taken this article superseriously. I had a few chuckles, come on guys...

PeeSchwartz
PeeSchwartz like.author.displayName 1 Like

This writing does not feel appropriate for this web site. Its self-affirming tone and general Cracked-article feel are off-putting, mostly because it stands alongside news articles. The way it is presented as "advice" comes off as bombastic.

LeeDiogeneia
LeeDiogeneia

Honestly, I thought this article was kind of mean spirited and even fit in as something that might have been written by at least one of types listed.  Margaret is "the complainer"...  Sorry you find yourself so "toxic", Ms. Rock.

I didn't expect to see the list I did.  I expected to read about people who were always posting some drama, or people who always troll your posts with snotty comments that they deny were snotty, or stalkers and pervs who leave suggestive images or notes, or folks who always drown you in their "Jesus talk" (or to be fair, Atheist talk) because you don't follow their way, or folks who carry on their explicit sexting on their timeline and thus in your news feed ...  Folks who spread genuine negativity or inappropriateness.  There was a little bit of that, but this list mostly seemed to be just a rant about the stuff commonly posted on Facebook.  And who is the author to tell us "who they really are?"   Most of the folks listed are hardly "toxic."  I think the author should examine her own insecurities and guilty conscious--especially if she doesn't like people who post in support of a cause like adopting animals or folks who post inspirational quotes.  What, do you hate babies and kittens, too?  Talk about toxic...

smrs90
smrs90

Good job suggesting that raising awareness about important issues on social media is bad. Ahh, TIME, always on the side of the people.

smrs90
smrs90 like.author.displayName 1 Like

I wonder, when will this pro-ignorance attitude change? I know it's supposed to be funny, and perhaps it is, but that is how people's perceptions are formed, through the little things. Due to the size of its audience and its relative credibility TIME should act more responsibly. Any attempt against mass ignorance should be supported, not mocked. Perhaps some journalists should consider converting to 'Crusaders' and put their platform to good use. 

donald.noble
donald.noble

@smrs90 I think you're reading way too much (or too little) into this article.  It's obviously aimed at the 'slacktivists' - the people who talk up an issue and never follow-up with action.  No one likes being preached to and FB didn't start out under that premise.  There is a difference between posting stories and multiple status updates about "important issues" than posting pictures where one is taking the fight offline.  Not to mention, a person knows their friends, and hopefully this means that friends know feelings/stances about "important issues" so no reason to beat a dead horse.

donald.noble
donald.noble

@LeeDiogeneia @smrs90  Call it what it is...ok: A tongue-in-cheek attempt at categorizing friends into groups which consist of similar ideas/viewpoints on how Facebook should be used thereby influencing the content of their posts.  Satire.

LeeDiogeneia
LeeDiogeneia

@donald.noble @smrs90  I don't think Donald is right at all.  First off, whether or not the article was poking fun or aimed a certain group is conjecture.  Since when was making fun of people okay anyway?  Satire is aimed at ideas, not at groups of people.  Most of these groups of people listed are not "toxic" or "insane" at all, however annoying they may be to you.  That's the attitude of a bully.  "I don't like YOU because of what YOU like, so I am going to call you names..."  Come on now, lets call it what it is.


smrs90
smrs90 like.author.displayName 1 Like

@donald.noble @smrs90 Touché. In truth, I was hoping to reach the writer of this piece, and mischievously trigger them to rethink their ethics.

donald.noble
donald.noble

@smrs90@donald.nobleI will agree that promoting change is a worthy cause. Now, it does depend on what your opinion is of a post which “promotes change”. Would this be a new article from a reputable source? Notification for a protest in your community? A bill impacting friends that are local? However, I have to return to my point about “know your friends”. For example, I know the people I have as friends on Facebook. I know how they believe and I am fairly certain they know my beliefs. If I were to post something that a majority of my friends already agreed with then how is that promoting anything? I would be preaching to the choir. Furthermore, there is quite a bit of evidence (more anecdotal but covered under a few studies) where people “unfriend” those that disagree with them – essentially surrounding themselves by 'yes-men'. This would also inhibit “promoting change”. The truth is that Western society is very 'comfortable'. It would take a very important issue affecting a broad swath of people to change this fact. You're correct to complain about news outlets but I disagree with focusing on a satirical piece about Facebook.

smrs90
smrs90

@donald.noble @smrs90You are  right about most things in your comment. Nevertheless, regardless of the initial function of Facebook, it is now (as well as other things) a platform to promote change, and any attempt, be it by a "slacktivist" or by one truly dedicated to actively changing this world, should not be mocked. Labelling cause-promotion of any kind as "annoying" can cause great trouble in the future, since it allows for people to think that if they dare promote a cause they might be ostracised (perhaps leading to a limited reaction when it is truly needed). In addition, it presents people with a justification for maintaining their ignorance. Surely, slacktivists are also to blame for undermining all activism (due to a boy-cried-wolf kind of thing), but then again TIME should know better. As it is, the Western world is deeply asleep, and any attempts to interfere with that should be focused towards waking it up, instead of sweet, ear-caressing lullabies about how much more fun it is to stay asleep.

Lalala
Lalala

LOL...Gotta admit the ones on the list who annoy me most are the "perennial parents" In fact the whole "mommy-blogiverse" online drives me nuts be it FB, pinterest, cafe mom, whatever. Those gals remind me of freaking Stepford Wives. They seem to think they are the ONLY 'good mothers' on the block and their statements are so damn self-rigtheous half the time. Makes me wonder if they're really overcompensating or the fact they failed in their careers so that's why they bailed out for housewifery and raising kids instead? Not against SAHMS if that is indeed one's true calling (I was one for five long and frustratrating years so I know I'm simply not cut out for it) but the ones who make a big show of it and who are are constantly seeing praise and expect to get a Congressional Medal of Honor for doing what they are in essence supposed to be doing? Please...I want to tell those smother mothers quit drinking the koolaid of the cult of domesticity. Besides, if you really are that devoted to your kids as you claim you are, then why are you always on the internet so much while they are running up and down the street causing trouble? Log off and go supervise~er~play with your kids! LOL

NenengLiit
NenengLiit

@Sabrina I do have 2 children. In the past, keeping their photos in my hard drive seems to have always been a pain in the rear. So I decided to open accounts (no friends) on facebook specifically to post my childrens photos and videos. I turned that into a journal and so far it is awesome! My 4 year old can see her old pictures on facebook and be thrilled to watch her video when she was 6 months old sucking on a pickle :)

zjm555
zjm555

I left facebook about two weeks ago after being a member for several years.  Why?  Because if you take away all of the different content archetypes from this article, all of which are portrayed as negative (and I agree to some extent), there would literally be nothing left on the news feed.  It's all either fake, uninteresting, bragging, complaining... ugh.

syzygy123
syzygy123 like.author.displayName 1 Like

The author of this piece seems downright anti-social, even if the article is meant to be taken tongue-in-cheek. 

Another_Travis
Another_Travis like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 2 Like

I'm happy to say that I am none of these.  Of course, this article doesn't mention the person who posts Doctor Who references all day; that'd be me.

usmler2009
usmler2009 like.author.displayName 1 Like

What a terrible article. I can't believe I actually finished reading it. If this is meant to be funny or sarcastic, it was lost in the writing, for many people it seems. The writer seems incredibly negative and hateful of all personality types. Frankly, I don't know why you're on Facebook if you hate everyone so much. Why not finish up your article with what you deem as acceptable, b/c I can't figure out what's left to post about. :/

duneshrine
duneshrine

Thank you for speaking out on the scourge of "pot smoking lunatics." But tell me, did you send this in via carrier pigeon or telegraph from your desk in 1936?

Mr_Flores
Mr_Flores

This is amusing.  Maybe a reminder that facebook/internet is simply a reflection of the people who use it is in order?  regardless of your opinion on how to deal with 'those' people, the fact is, this is how they live and choose to document it to their friends, who may or may not be interested in what they have to share.   I have a couple of 'rules' myself. 1) to be 'friends', I actually have to know/met the person IRL. 2) they can't post ugly/snarky personal attacks on non-public figures. otherwise, i'm open to seeing what anyone has to share.  Nothing in my brain FORCES me to read everything that facebook spews in my direction, and there are always good nuggets of info that spark my interest from all corners of my personal facebook horizon.  

Greenbean8
Greenbean8

I don't know, I kind of like the Showboat posts. It's fun to look at them.

BethPee
BethPee like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 4 Like

Dude, Facebook is a social media site. That means we, I don't know, post about our lives. Remove or ignore everyone on this snarky list and you'd have your grandmother left. Maybe. I mean, IF Granny doesn't dare to get too wordy about her vacation to Atlantic City, in which case I'm sure the author of this stellar piece of...work...will recommend dumping her, too.

Deal with it or get the hell off Facebook.

chickpea
chickpea

Jim Beam has a new white whiskey?????????????     

JoeCoffey
JoeCoffey like.author.displayName 1 Like

This was a fun article. Really enjoyed it for a good laugh. I can't believe all the negative comments. Lighten up people.

mobiledia
mobiledia

@JoeCoffey Thanks for the kind words, Joe. What can we say? People seem to take their Facebooking seriously.

donald.noble
donald.noble

@mobiledia @JoeCoffey "Facebooking" "Seriously" - Two words that should not be in the same sentence.  This is one of the many reasons why FB isn't as fun nowadays.  Not to mention the narcissistic behavior social media in general tends to cultivate.  (Plenty of studies on that, check it!)

JoeCoffey
JoeCoffey

@donald.noble @mobiledia @JoeCoffey  We live in a narcissistic age so there will be those. I post pics of my dogs, pups, magazine articles (like this one), items of interest like history or archaeology, youtube vids and a few political articles. Most things I delete after a few days because I figure anyone interested has probably seen it by then. You can even check me out. Last I remember I had my page set to "private" but I think I set it back to "public" in case new people who share my interests should bump into me.

Mike_Dean
Mike_Dean like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 2 Like

I make it a point to immediately defriend anyone who posts a Bon Jovi video for any reason.

earthshoes39
earthshoes39 like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 4 Like

You forgot the politician--the one who raves on and on about their favored candidate and slams the one they don't like, often using lies and myths to support their claims. I'd be okay with it if it was just an occasional post--but these people post several times a day and after a while it feels like hatefilled spam. These are the only posts that get on my nerves to the degree that I hide them. On a couple of occasions I've hidden all their posts.   

MarkZuk
MarkZuk like.author.displayName 1 Like

Facebook is like a  never ending high school popularity contest. 

I was not the most popular person in high school but I can see all people now competing for how many "Likes" they get.

Obviously, FB favorite of some pretty girls...who love to boost their ego by getting Likes.

FB is most unnatural way of communicating and social interaction. It is sad to see when someone baby photos get 100 likes and others get only 2-3 likes....Obviously then the one who got fewer likes...they drop from facebook. They get hurt.

Cmon guys....use FB like Linkedin....create a simple good looking social profile and manage it carefully. Anything you post in public doman will be viewed by your employers...your good or bad friends. The implications are huge!!!!!

BethPee
BethPee

@MarkZuk That's why I use a fake name. Potential employers can't search for me, but I can find and invite real life friends. It's a good precaaution.

ChristineUy
ChristineUy

Ok. Guilty! My online persona shuffle among those 8 Categories.  :)    How many can admit to that? 

ggrant543
ggrant543 like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 3 Like

The Superior.  That's somebody who categorizes everybody else on Facebook into neat packages they can then discard as human trash and as a result feel better about themselves as superior.  You know the type, they come up with six or seven categories and fit half the people into them.  Whenever somebody original comes along that offends their need dictate others behavior and personalities they'll invariably come up with yet another simple minded category to fit them in to.

Who they really are:  They are actually very insecure and arrogant people who were never part of the in crowd in any social setting, so they need to categorize and condescend to others so as to paint themselves as eternally wise and superior.  They fantasize that everybody will want to be their friend to prove they're also cool.  But in reality, they only get as friends the other insecure losers.   They care solely about their image, they are not free to be themselves and they do not permit others to be natural either.  It's all about boxing up our behavior into palatable bite sized morsels that nobody can criticize.  They would rather be on Faceboring and act like a robot, than Facebook and act like a human being, with all of our wonderful flaws and flukes and nuances. 

Best Advice: Tolerate them, even though they won't tolerate most others.  Maybe they will learn something by your example.  But don't hold your breath, more likely they'll find the right category for you too, and you'll be next on the trash heap.

BrianShaw
BrianShaw like.author.displayName 1 Like

If you need an article such as this or some other person to distinguish for you, who you should and should not delete then you should probably just delete your account because you do not have a strong enough will of your own to use such a website to begin with.

Destroyer
Destroyer

Facebook is Nazi social training to become a zombie. Got it! Delete your profile & thank the universe you are still in control.

AJD13
AJD13

Um......all of these pretty much describe EVERYBODY on facebook....at least at some point or another.   There's a reason that you can scroll...rather quickly actually...through your newsfeed.  If you don't like what someone posts all the time, sure, unfriend them, but otherwise, just scroll through the things someone that you generally have no problem with posts that you may not be into or at least into that day.  It's really not that hard.  The people that REALLY irk me on facebook are the ones that rant and rave at you about something you post on YOUR page...I'm not talking merely civilly disagreeing with you and having a civil, intelligent debate about the issue, but are hard core crazies, bullies, and just plain wackos.  Had one wacko once disagree with me on a post I made. I don't expect everyone to agree with me...but to totally be uncivil and vulgar and horrid and THEN on top of it to go to your own page and announce to all of your friends that you just unfriended so and so because they're a b----- among other vulgar names because of an opinion they hold is just plain nuts.  

jeffcox
jeffcox like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 4 Like

The absolutely best thing about Facebook - it made me realize the reason why I lost touch with all those people from high school was because I never really liked them all that much in the first place!

Right-wing_Nuts_take_Ur_meds
Right-wing_Nuts_take_Ur_meds

Please deposit this article in the trash.  This came off as, if your life is or appears better than mine I don't want to know about it.  Yet, those same people will continue to quietly track you via FB.

mobiledia
mobiledia like.author.displayName 1 Like

@Right-wing_Nuts_take_Ur_meds Thanks for the comment. We wrote it as a tongue-in-cheek look at the absurdity of our social connections in the digital age. The extreme cases. Nothing more, nothing less.

webshadow
webshadow

The main solace here is that hardly anyone reads your status.  

An application that requires you to hit "shift-enter" to start a new line is not designed for intelligent discussion. We are bringing up a generation of young adults who don't know the proper use of a paragraph. There is a narrow gap of birth years between them and the users that have to look down at the keyboard to even find the "shift" or the "enter".  

Fewer than 9% of facebook users (1.06 billion)  "like" the facebook product/services page (93 million).  

Elena-Denisa
Elena-Denisa

love the quotes attached to each type! I don't think people can so easily be categorised by what they post on FB, but it is nevertheless very funny to try and associate certain people with different categories.

JayJones
JayJones like.author.displayName 1 Like

What about people who post unoriginal, unfunny content criticizing everybody? Because if this author's Facebook posts are as boring as this article that's been done many times before by other authors, I just put them on "unsubscribe."

By the way, they're called "Status Updates" not "No Status Updates." Perhaps if posting about sporting events, traveling, or one's children is too hard to tolerate, the author might want to consider whether posting about things that fall in none of these categories is tolerable.

FuzzyPotato
FuzzyPotato like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 2 Like

You forgot another type; the Moron, who would actually follow this advice rather than to focus on a case-by-case basis and figure out how to handle it then.

1295surf
1295surf like.author.displayName 1 Like

Yeah, Margaret's touched on just about all the personality types, & we're all guilty to a certain extent. But I'd like to think she's writing about the extremes (some of my fb friends certainly would fall into this category) that just continuously post up the most mundane things. Stuck in traffic, take a picture & post it up, having dinner take a picture & do the same. I thought it was very well written with just enough levity to take the edge off.

NRK
NRK like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 4 Like

Where is the description of the 'normal' or 'awesome' facebook friend. What are the perfect things to post about on facebook, because it seems as if everyday human things are not acceptable. We all have a little bit of every one of these in us if we think about it.

rubytuesday
rubytuesday like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 2 Like

@NRK Fantastic comment! Yes, "everyday human things are not acceptable" -- you hit the nail on the head.

If we can't share good news in our lives, or bad news, and anything in between in "cryptic" or "vague", what, exactly, is left?