Florida Bans Smartphones and Computers: I, for One, Applaud This Decision

Florida, if you're reading this, I beg you to fully enforce this law.

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As the story goes, Florida recently passed a law banning Internet cafes that offer slot machine-like games. “The Legislature and governor acted with dizzying speed, leaving many questions as to the law’s impact and how the centers known as Internet cafes would react,” reports the Associated Press.

Well, one Internet cafe owner has reacted by suing the state, claiming that “her legal team found that the ban was so hastily worded that it can be applied to any computer or device connected to the Internet,” according to the Huffington Post.

So now the headline has become that Florida has banned smartphones and computers, since these devices connect to the Internet.

Florida, if you’re reading this, I beg you to fully enforce this law.

Don’t backpedal. Don’t apologize. If anything, this law should go further and ban voice calls, too. And TV. You have a chance to be the most unique state in our great country.

Right now, the only way to get any sort of peace and quiet is to get on an airplane that doesn’t offer in-flight Wi-Fi. You could be the airplane of states, Florida! A disconnected utopia! You think your tourism industry is strong now? Watch as people flock to your beaches, theme parks and swamps with greater enthusiasm than ever before.

“Hey, I just went on a fan-boat tour and since my phone didn’t work, I actually turned my head from side to side instead of straight downward. I SAW ANIMALS!”

“Hey, boss-man, I’ll be in Florida for the week. I’ll get my messages in Georgia and check back in with you once we cross over into South Carolina.”

“Hey, this Barnes & Noble is PACKED!”

These phrases and more could become your hallmarks, Florida. Your state motto could be altered slightly to become Florida: The Sunshine State, and not just sunshine you look at from inside your house or vacation rental, but sunshine you actually feel on your body because you’re outside since there’s not a whole lot going on inside.

I know what you’re thinking, dear reader: “Doug, I’m taking what you’ve written here extremely literally, and you are an idiot. What about emergencies? How will people communicate in emergencies? I’ve read lots of things on the Internet, and this is the worst one. There are lots of idiots on the Internet, and you are the biggest by far.”

Well, would an idiot suggest that people use a combination of smoke signals, flares and walkie-talkies to communicate with each other in the case of an emergency? (Yes, there would still be power and batteries and cars and stuff.)

Communicating remotely during emergencies is overrated anyway. In this new Florida, you tell your friends and loved ones, “I’m going out to pick up the pizza. If I’m not back in 20 minutes, avenge my death.” Everyone would know to give you more like 40 minutes, just in case. You don’t want people just avenging death all day. This is Florida and we’re here on vacation, after all.

43 comments
Randomffff
Randomffff

@ Everyone who posted about him missing Georgia. You are all idiots and I like how none of you can read correctly. 

He said, "I’ll get my messages in Georgia and check back in with you once we cross over into South Carolina.” Notice the mention of Georgia in that sentence. Now contemplate on how stupid you all are.

GammaRayBurst
GammaRayBurst

After being I Florida for the last two weeks with no connectivity, I just had a chance to read this article and completely agree about how ludicrous no computers is...,

Because last time I checked , power companies, hospitals, remote weather stations/sensors, traffic control, cars, offices, shipping companies(food), farmers, and small children all depend on computers nowadays to function.

Great job Florida legislature, you've just proven that you have no connection with the present. your point of view is woefully out of date, and you have no care for your citizens personal freedom, or rights.

AlexWilliamson
AlexWilliamson

Sorry... not a single Florida politician or resident saw your opinion as it's currently illegal to have an internet connected device.

Deception
Deception

haha, this artical made my day so much better that I had to make an account and tell you.

Boater39
Boater39

This is what happens when politicians get caught with their pants down and then quickly pass a "law" to cover their a--es.  In this case, our esteemed felon-governor's lieutenant got caught and involved in some sort of gambling scam and both parties were found to have accepted large donations from the scam company.  So, in response, they passed this bill in record time to say "nothing to see here--move along."  Politicians wouldn't move this fast if they were standing on a bullet-train track....

Another example of corruption at it's best!

Ivan
Ivan

Ban sharks too while you are at it...

JoyceCollins
JoyceCollins

you need to join private clubs if you want to gamble in florida, like the elks,eagles,moose lodges,it is big time and wide open in these places,they all have moved away from bingo big time, bonus,widow ladies with the bucks always looking or male companionship,ya y'all don't have to know how to spell ether

JenniferBonin
JenniferBonin

...Or, if you wanted these experience, you COULD just turn off your phone/computer all on your own...

PaulDirks
PaulDirks

I would have commented on this yesterday, but I was on my smartphone in a crowded restaurant and somehow it didn't seem appropriate.


FloridaSon
FloridaSon

Cute article, btw it's an "Air Boat" not a fan boat. The real tragedy is the elderly that spent their time each day by gaming, using their minds now don't have that outlet. Many did that to go somewhere in the cool ac and escape the heat, socialized with others, talk, engage, etc. Granted there were criminals around some establishments but not all. Did you know that the gaming businesses are able to buy gift cards in discounted blocks to give as prizes? Oh wait, many reputable companies, organization's and non-profits do that as well. So one problem fixed and others created. Reminds me when a small town passed an ordinance restricting building height only to realize they had outlawed church steeples.  

And to you "haters" remember "If you live in a glass house..." well you know the rest    ;-)

VK8five
VK8five

So when you cross from Florida into South Carolina do you magically skip over Georgia?

L.Williams
L.Williams

Doesn't anyone understand satire anymore?  I really enjoyed your piece Mr. Aamoth even though I did read it on my internet. Like many things in life, there's good things and not so good about technology. I do have visions, however of my grandsons either wearing away their thumbs entirely or seeing their iphones permanently fused to their palms...and don't ask me what color eyes they have. It's been so long since I last saw them, even when I'm babysitting. On the other hand, they know so much more than I did at that age.

DianaMaras
DianaMaras

There's a good scene in Warm Bodies that perfectly illustrates your point. Enjoyed the article. Thanks. 

roknsteve
roknsteve

I think it's time for Florida to secede from the Planet Earth before we all get infected with moron-itis.  

rpearlston
rpearlston

And some people just don't appreciate satire.  I do, and thank you.

n7specops
n7specops

LMAO, love the seriousness of this satire. Makes some good points, has anyone seen that video of how people go to bars and it shows most people at tables with other people but they are looking down texting and such, but the owner cut notches into the glasses so you have to lean them on your phone so that it causes you not to be able to pick it up and actually have to socialize? loved it.

Jason
Jason

If we have more educated citizens it will destroy all the hilarious news stories like this. Please Florida stay ignorant for entertainment value, if not for anything else. 

wrathbrow
wrathbrow

Sad to see that many posters here don't get when an article or post is satire.

Yes, the author really wants to see all communications banned in Florida. Yes, that line there is also satire.

fshnchps575
fshnchps575

This writer has 15 year’s experience in the tech world?  Maybe so, but it looks as if he slept through his American geography class.   “Hey, boss-man, I’ll be in Florida for the week. I’ll check back in with you once we cross over into South Carolina."

Does this imply that one skips Georgia when leaving Florida?  Google it.   Unless you're in Florida.  Then you will have to open a book to get the geography right.

JamesLee
JamesLee

Sounds like the author is mad because people are getting their news from the internet rather than printed newsletter which are already a day late of when the news actually happened.

Also people are avoiding the mainstram media which offer only entertainment with a few propaganda here and there when the receive the call from headquarter in occupied Palestine.

kristaps.blodons
kristaps.blodons

I do not know how electronic things work in Florida or in the US, but we, in Europe, have an option to turn off those device which we do not want to disturb us...

sushisandvich
sushisandvich

It's of my interpretation that this is a satirical piece.

If not, then there is always the option of turning off devices and looking up and listening...

cjh2nd
cjh2nd

@daamoth @TIME 

once again, TIME shows off their awesomely non-existent standards: 

@daamoth 

“Hey, boss-man, I’ll be in Florida for the week. I’ll check back in with you once we cross over into South Carolina.”

does the author realize that florida doesn't border south carolina, that there's this little state between them called georgia? maybe someone out there has heard of it? open a freaking atlas, this is just pathetic

CocoPazzo
CocoPazzo

Did you get paid for this fluff piece?  If so, it was too much.

DeweySayenoff
DeweySayenoff

Because half of all Americans are below average in intelligence, we tend to elect pretty stupid people.  They may be lawyers, but my friend has met quite a few (He's in IT) and he tells me that most of them are technologically challenged.  (Which to hear him describe it is like saying the sinking of the Titanic was due to a slight excess of moisture.)  To a few, he's even had to explain how a touch pad works because they couldn't find the mouse.

So it comes as no surprise to me (and likely not at all to him since what I'm about to say is what HE said) that the very last people we should ever have creating (and ruling about) tech laws are those in our society who understand it the least.

jOhan
jOhan

If Florida is off the grid nobody will go there because they couldn't book a hotel.

betacellboy
betacellboy

My favorite part of this article is when he sarcastically calls himself dumb in the third person, somehow inoculating himself against criticism of this quaint nonsense.  Wax poetic about a simpler time all you want; this Andy Rooney-ian rant is still pointless, poorly-written schlock.  

carriedevorah
carriedevorah

I AGREE!!!!!! The loss of privacy and etiquette is mind boggling. DONT BACK DOWN on a massive step towards protecting 2D IP (intellectual property), ID (our identity) and Commerce. What we do and say and create is OURS until someone politely requests "MOTHER, MAY I?" and asks permission.... DONT BACK DOWN FLORIDA. If anything, MAN UP some more

Figure you will appreciate my Initiative I have taken to Congress to protect our Property Rights- IP, ID and let us make OUR money AND KEEP IT rather than some anonymous succubus technological entity using us for THEM to make money then go public et al. PAY THE LADY! PAY THE MAN! PAY THE PERSON WHOSE THOUGHTS YOU ARE STEALING FROM!!

I filed this Comment on 2D Orphan Works and Unauthorized Use of Art, Writings and Photographs with the United States Copyright Office http://www.copyright.gov/orphan/comments/noi_10222012/Devorah-Carrie.pdf 

I filed this Comment on Small Claims as a suitable forum for IPR. http://www.copyright.gov/docs/smallclaims/comments/noi_02263013/Devorah-Carrie.pdf

Deception
Deception

@fshnchps575 Does correcting someones errors make you feel better or superior to them? We all know he was wrong, but at least some of us some damn respect not to correct him and embarrass him. Next time you decide to say/type something, maybe you should think about what you are saying/typing before you say/type it.

CluedIn
CluedIn

@JamesLee Sounds like the author write a piece of sah-tire. It used to be a form people were clued in on back when they were more literate and read instead of tweeting all day.

WebO'ree
WebO'ree

@kristaps.blodons I do not know how electronic things work in Europe or the EU, but we, in Florida, do not have devices which turn off all surrounding devices, too, including and especially those in use by loudmouthed others. We have many individual freedoms but public, group freedoms force us to withstand dihspit Euros yakking away on their mobiles.

Deception
Deception

@cjh2nd @TIME Does it matter? We all know he made an error, what's truly pathetic is your need to make yourself feel superior over the internet because someone made a mistake. Come back when you mature a little.

BillC2
BillC2

@cjh2nd @TIME He didn't say "as soon as I get out of Florida and into SC".  YOU are the one misreading what was said.  .  He's just not calling until he gets to South Carolina.  An extra couple of hours without calling in.

cjh2nd
cjh2nd

@BillC2

yep. i'm sure that's what he meant and that he didn't open an atlas. YOU (i can use capital letters too) are entitled to assume (for whatever asinine reason) that he meant that. i'll assume he didn't open an atlast

cjh2nd
cjh2nd

@TomlinBrowne

more like nice one mr. i'm not retarded. if, as a journalist, you want to be taken seriously, you need to get your facts correct. one of the more obvious facts to get correct would be knowing which states another state borders.