As the story goes, Florida recently passed a law banning Internet cafes that offer slot machine-like games. “The Legislature and governor acted with dizzying speed, leaving many questions as to the law’s impact and how the centers known as Internet cafes would react,” reports the Associated Press.
Well, one Internet cafe owner has reacted by suing the state, claiming that “her legal team found that the ban was so hastily worded that it can be applied to any computer or device connected to the Internet,” according to the Huffington Post.
So now the headline has become that Florida has banned smartphones and computers, since these devices connect to the Internet.
Florida, if you’re reading this, I beg you to fully enforce this law.
Don’t backpedal. Don’t apologize. If anything, this law should go further and ban voice calls, too. And TV. You have a chance to be the most unique state in our great country.
Right now, the only way to get any sort of peace and quiet is to get on an airplane that doesn’t offer in-flight Wi-Fi. You could be the airplane of states, Florida! A disconnected utopia! You think your tourism industry is strong now? Watch as people flock to your beaches, theme parks and swamps with greater enthusiasm than ever before.
“Hey, I just went on a fan-boat tour and since my phone didn’t work, I actually turned my head from side to side instead of straight downward. I SAW ANIMALS!”
“Hey, boss-man, I’ll be in Florida for the week. I’ll get my messages in Georgia and check back in with you once we cross over into South Carolina.”
“Hey, this Barnes & Noble is PACKED!”
These phrases and more could become your hallmarks, Florida. Your state motto could be altered slightly to become Florida: The Sunshine State, and not just sunshine you look at from inside your house or vacation rental, but sunshine you actually feel on your body because you’re outside since there’s not a whole lot going on inside.
I know what you’re thinking, dear reader: “Doug, I’m taking what you’ve written here extremely literally, and you are an idiot. What about emergencies? How will people communicate in emergencies? I’ve read lots of things on the Internet, and this is the worst one. There are lots of idiots on the Internet, and you are the biggest by far.”
Well, would an idiot suggest that people use a combination of smoke signals, flares and walkie-talkies to communicate with each other in the case of an emergency? (Yes, there would still be power and batteries and cars and stuff.)
Communicating remotely during emergencies is overrated anyway. In this new Florida, you tell your friends and loved ones, “I’m going out to pick up the pizza. If I’m not back in 20 minutes, avenge my death.” Everyone would know to give you more like 40 minutes, just in case. You don’t want people just avenging death all day. This is Florida and we’re here on vacation, after all.