Bizarro Ruins a Funeral

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The church is full of mourners. CLARK KENT, in a black suit, is at the altar, in mid-eulogy. Behind him is a large photo of Jonathan Kent (who died in Action Comics #870).

CLARK KENT: But the most important thing my father taught me was the difference between right and–

Suddenly, BIZARRO SUPERMAN crashes through the roof of the church, wearing a white top hat and tuxedo.

CLARK KENT: Bizarro, what are you doing here?
BIZARRO: Pa Kent am dead. Me here to pay respects to Pa Kent.
CLARK KENT: How thoughtful. But why are you wearing a white tuxedo?
BIZARRO: On Bizarro world, us wear white at funeral.
CLARK KENT: Right… white instead of black. Opposites. I get it. Okay, well, say what you gotta say.

Bizarro walks to the altar.

BIZARRO: Bizarro hate Pa Kent! Pa Kent bad man! No one miss Pa Kent! Bizarro happy Pa Kent dead! Congratulations, Ma Kent — husband dead!

The mourners GASP, shocked.

CLARK KENT: Calm down everyone. It’s Bizarro. He’s from an “opposite world.” Happy equals sad, love equals hate… it’s his thing. Actually, he’s being very sweet.
BIZARRO: Screw you Clark Kent.
CLARK KENT: He means “thank you.”
BIZARRO: Now, for the funeral: us go to cemetery and bury all the mourners.
CLARK KENT: No Bizarro.
BIZARRO: But that am Bizarro funeral. Not bury dead guy, bury live people.
CLARK KENT: No it’s not.
BIZARRO: Then Bizarro funeral is take baby Pa Kent and dip him in church water.
CLARK KENT: No! That’s a baptism. Come on, Bizarro. Use your head.
BIZARRO: Us put Ma Kent in coffin and throw her into sky?
CLARK KENT: How is throwing my living mother into the sky the opposite of a burying my dead father?
BIZARRO: It sort-of opposite.
CLARK KENT: You know what drives me crazy, Bizarro? Not that everything on your planet is the opposite of earth — it’s that you are so inconsistent in how you are “opposite.”
BIZARRO: What you mean, “inconsistent”?
CLARK KENT: For example, money. On your planet, you use garbage for money and throw away gold. Yet other times, stealing is legal, and if you pay for something you go to jail. Then, later, you pay your boss a salary to let you go to work, and he pays you after you quit!
BIZARRO: Yeah, it’s pretty crazy.



CLARK KENT: I mean, take Oscar the Grouch. He loves trash and hates happiness. Simple, right? It makes total sense. Why can’t you just do that? Why is it that sometimes your airplanes fly upside-down and backwards through the sky, and then other times, they go forwards and right-side-up but under the dirt? And how do you pay for those plane tickets? With garbage or stealing?
BIZARRO: Pay with torn-up money and get change in kicks in crotch.
CLARK KENT: See? Can’t you just pick one kind of opposite and commit to it?!

Suddenly, MA KENT stands up.

MA KENT: Well boys, maybe having inconsistent and ever-changing “opposite behavior” is the most opposite behavior of all. To have a “logical and consistent” opposite world isn’t truly opposite, is it? Only an illogical and inconsistent “opposite world” truly makes sense, if you think about it.
CLARK KENT: Wow mom. That’s deep.
BIZARRO: Now me know real Bizarro funeral! To the cemetery, so Bizarro have sex with everybody!!!