Fireworks of Your Own Face: Never Would $81.29 Go to Such Good Use

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I’m not entirely sure you can put a price on a custom-built fireworks display of your own face made from up to 200 rockets that can be seen from almost 20 miles away. Even if it’s an aging April Fools’ joke that we can only hope someday turns into a real product.

That hasn’t stopped Firebox from fake-pricing it at $81.29, though. That seems like a downright steal if you’ve just moved to a new town and want to introduce yourself to the neighbors. And everyone else in town. And the people from two towns over in any direction.

“Ah, you’re the fireworks face guy. Yeah, that was weird,” they’ll all say. “How long will you be in town? Oh. Forever.”

In the interest of explaining how such a miracle of innovation would be made possible while at the same time finally working the word “boffins” into a post, here’s a quip from Firebox’s product description:

So how does it work? Well, all we need is your favourite profile picture. The Chinese boffins behind this miraculous invention will then identify the most distinctive parts of your face using advanced mapping software. Selecting from a ‘palette’ of over 5000 unique rockets, a fully automated manufacturing process will then decide how best to illustrate them as an explosion. It will then optimise their position in your Personalised Fireworks box, making it a convenient and portable size.

The average box would measure around 40 inches wide by 40 inches high by three inches deep, though it’d all depend on the “complexity of features” portrayed by your handsome/gorgeous mug.

You should also know that your personal fireworks show would only last for five seconds and would be best viewed from over six miles away, so you’d have to budget $81.29 for the box and another twenski for someone who owns both a lighter and a vehicle capable of driving at least six miles away.

Personalised Fireworks []