“Reepicheep, a fearless mouse voiced by Eddie Izzard, is consistently appealing.” — The Wall Street Journal review of Prince Caspian
The White Witch… bit of a slag, isn’t she? Turning Mr. Tumnus to stone was one thing, but you know a girl’s a bitch if she bans Christmas. “No I’d rather not this year. Don’t fancy it. Even thought it’s winter all the time, Santa Claus can piss off!” Just wanted to keep all the presents for herself, the posh tart.
No wonder they needed to fetch the Sons of Adam and Daughters of Eve to save Narnia. Didn’t pick a very butch group, though, did they? Aslan goes, “Look, we need a bunch of public school prats to rescue our magical kingdom.” How about the Strongbow family? “No.” What about the Ironhelm kids? “No.” Well… what about the Pevensie poofs? “Perfect.” Are you serious? The Pevensies? Pevensie sounds like what you’d call a grandmother quail who’s just fallen gravely ill. You’re sure you don’t want the Bravesword brothers? “No.” Fine, fine, you’re the Jesus allegory.
That’s right, Aslan is Jesus. Oh, come on. It’s so obvious. Died to save everyone — and then came back to life? Which part tipped you off? Was it the coming back to life? Really? Was it? Very Narnian, that, not to discuss the truth if it makes us uncomfortable. No one ever says, “Dad’s an alcoholic” or “Cousin Ernie is a shoplifter” or “Jesus is a giant lion.”
Making Jesus a lion, not exactly a bold move. Just C. S. Lewis kissing up to the real Jesus. What a bloody brown-noser, that wanker. I’d like to see C. S. Lewis in Heaven. “So, Jesus, I wrote a bunch of books about you, but instead of a skinny bloke nailed to a stick, you’re the king of the jungle with the voice of Liam Neeson. So, do I get a good cloud up here? Something with a nice view of God would be brilliant.” If C.S. Lewis was really balls-out, he’d have made Jesus the lamp post. On, alive. Off, dead. On, alive. Make you think, don’t it?
And what about this Puddleglum chap? He’s a downer, that one. Total prat.