“What if I went as Wolverine?”
I already had the sideburns. My wife looked at my thick, curly facial hair, skeptically.
“Is Wolverine Jewish?” she asked.
“No, he’s Canadian.”
Why did I marry a cheerleader instead of a nerd?
“Okay, Jewish Wolverine,” I said, liking it. “Jew-verine.” Loving it.
But Rabbinical sideburns plus Wolverine costume weren’t enough. Only half a joke Halloween costume. I needed more. I needed full joke.
“Yeah, Jewverine. Like, with menorahs for claws or something,” said Joel. Menorahs for claws. Joel is a genius. Now that’s full joke – if I can get the menorah claws.
In the Judaica store, I played it cool.
“Uh, do you have any plastic menorahs? Like for kids?”
“No plastic menorahs. The plastic would burn.”
Of course it would. Idiot! I bought the metal menorah I thought I could best affix to my wrist. Not adamantium.
Home. The base on the new menorah was too big. I’d have to saw it off. I’m not a religious guy, but desecrating a menorah… it just felt wrong. Plus, sawing metal? That sounded hard. Forget it. I’ll just go without menorah claws. Settle for the half-joke. Do a lot of explaining.
“No, I’m Jew-verine. Get it? Jewy sideburns plus Wolverine equals Jewverine. Yes, those are non-menorah claws.” Ug.
“What about this?” said my non-nerd non-Jewish wife.
A small metal menorah. With removable base. Perfect for wrist attachment. Snikt. (Jewish Snikt? “Schnick?”)
“Where did you get that?”
“Drawer in the pantry.”
I never saw that menorah before in my life. Where did it come from? It’s a miracle. Like Hannukah. Or an Isaac Bashevis Singer story. Or some random thing that just happened.
The party. Yellow and blue old-school Wolverine costume with fake muscles. Frizzy sideburns. Star of David on chest. MENORAH CLAWS.
Dudes loved the costume. No explanation necessary. “JEWVERINE!!!” “Menorah claws!!!” Triumph. Full joke Halloween costume.
Girls, not as much.
“Hey, it’s Super Jew!”
“No – it’s Jewverine!”
“Forget it. Happy Halloween.”