“What if I went as Wolverine?”
I already had the sideburns. My wife looked at my thick, curly facial hair, skeptically.
“Is Wolverine Jewish?” she asked.
“No, he’s Canadian.”
Why did I marry a cheerleader instead of a nerd?
“Okay, Jewish Wolverine,” I said, liking it. “Jew-verine.” Loving it.
But Rabbinical sideburns plus Wolverine costume weren’t enough. Only half a joke Halloween costume. I needed more. I needed full joke.
…
“Yeah, Jewverine. Like, with menorahs for claws or something,” said Joel. Menorahs for claws. Joel is a genius. Now that’s full joke – if I can get the menorah claws.
…
In the Judaica store, I played it cool.
“Uh, do you have any plastic menorahs? Like for kids?”
“No plastic menorahs. The plastic would burn.”
Of course it would. Idiot! I bought the metal menorah I thought I could best affix to my wrist. Not adamantium.
…
Home. The base on the new menorah was too big. I’d have to saw it off. I’m not a religious guy, but desecrating a menorah… it just felt wrong. Plus, sawing metal? That sounded hard. Forget it. I’ll just go without menorah claws. Settle for the half-joke. Do a lot of explaining.
“No, I’m Jew-verine. Get it? Jewy sideburns plus Wolverine equals Jewverine. Yes, those are non-menorah claws.” Ug.
…
“What about this?” said my non-nerd non-Jewish wife.
A small metal menorah. With removable base. Perfect for wrist attachment. Snikt. (Jewish Snikt? “Schnick?”)
“Where did you get that?”
“Drawer in the pantry.”
I never saw that menorah before in my life. Where did it come from? It’s a miracle. Like Hannukah. Or an Isaac Bashevis Singer story. Or some random thing that just happened.
…
The party. Yellow and blue old-school Wolverine costume with fake muscles. Frizzy sideburns. Star of David on chest. MENORAH CLAWS.
Dudes loved the costume. No explanation necessary. “JEWVERINE!!!” “Menorah claws!!!” Triumph. Full joke Halloween costume.
…
Girls, not as much.
“Hey, it’s Super Jew!”
“No – it’s Jewverine!”
“Who?”
“Jewish Wolverine!!!”
“Who?”
“Forget it. Happy Halloween.”
