Plants Vs. Zombies: These Are Which Plants Are and Are Not Lame

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Given that Plants vs. Zombies is now, apparently, the top-selling iPhone game launch of all time, and now that there exists actual Plants Vs. Zombies porn (NSFW, don’t say I didn’t warn you, because I just did, and I’m doing it again right now), and now that I have finished adventure mode, I feel it is time to put some of my opinions out there. Because I have them.

First I will express my contempt for the following useless flowers and mushrooms:

The Wall-nut: You are the Tall-nut’s useless wanker cousin, good only for wasting 50 sun and buying an extra few seconds before a zombie chews my privates off.

The Sun-shroom: Listen, I have pretty limited space here for sun-generating foliage. A couple-three rows, max. So you cost, what, 25 less than a regular sunflower? And produce less sun? And take up the same amount of space? Yeah, sorry, but no. Stop looking at me like that, with your tiny adorable face. Stop it!

The Fume-shroom: You’re a specialist. I respect that. You’re good at projectile-farting through screen doors. Which, you know, applause. But honestly: there just aren’t that many screen doors.

The Doom-shroom: Look at you with your whole badass affect. But dude, you’re basically as destructive as the Cherry Bomb, which is only slightly more expensive and also? It does not salt the earth so that nothing else can grow ever grow there.

The Jalapeno: “Oooh, I’m so scary! My eyes are different sizes!” No special commentary here. I just don’t like them.

Bonus round: plant superlatives!

Coolest Plant: The Grave Buster. I mean, what is he supposed to be? A lichen? He eats a gravestone! Then he’s gone. Like Shane. Plus he makes a cool sound.

Happiest Plant: The Starfruit. He will kill you five ways at once … and he never, ever stops smiling.

Plant I’m Glad Isn’t Real: Tangle Kelp. That stuff gives me the creeps. He drags you to a watery doom, and he’ll do it for only 25 sunlight.

Grossest Plant: The Split Pea. He has a conjoined twin coming out of his head. To me that is a problem.

Most Boring Plant: The Lily Pad. Seriously, this stuff actually exists. It’s not even fictional. Plus he doesn’t have a face.

Sexiest Plant: Did I or did I not warn you?