The Lost Finale Reviewed by Someone Who’s Never Seen Lost Before

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It’s true, I’ve never seen Lost before. But I watched the finale anyway, because I figured, how hard can it be? I’ll pick it up as I go along.

Here’s what happened.

:02 Holy crow these people are good-looking. But this island they’re on looks a lot like Scranton. Maybe there’s some kind of Office crossover happening. You know, like when the Harlem Globetrotters showed up on Gilligan’s Island.

:03 Oh right. That’s not the island. So they’re off it already. Thank God. The suspense was killing me.

:04 Or they’re on it and they’re off it? Irish here in the car looks like he might be good for some exposition. Let’s have it, boyo.

:07 You know who I like? The chubby guy with the Star Wars references. Actualy he looks a bit like Porkins, the X-Wing pilot who bites it at the Death Star. I hope that’s not foreshadowing.

(More on Techland: 10 Ways LOST Shouldn’t End)

:11 OK, I’m finding my feet here. Good guys, bad guys. But why does the bald guy want to destroy the island? Why does the handsome guy with the big chin want to save the island? Find a boat, somebody.

:17 Oooooooooooooh I get it. Everybody has a real-world life and an island life. Some people remember their island lives, some people don’t. The big folksy guy is a cop of some kind. The lady’s a criminal of some kind, Big Chin is a doctor. God, this show is easy. I don’t know what all you Losties are complaining about all this time.

I don’t get who Porkins is, though. Whoever he is he needs a new car. That yellow Hummer is obnoxious.

:19 The Asian couple seem nice. Their bit is a little soft-focus though, the blonde doctor especially. She’s acting like she’s in a douche commercial. We need some polar bears or something in here. Isn’t this whole show supposed to be about polar bears?

:25 Oh man, now there’s a dead dude in the water. This is the wackiest Survivor challenge ever. If only they’d been in time to save Leonardo DiCaprio instead of Sergeant Pepper there with the epaulets.

:27 And here we are. Showdown at the Hokay Corral. For a criminal that lady has no idea how to handle an assault rifle.

And ugh, I’m losing ground now, because come on, shoot Dr. Evil! Or Dr. Evil, stab Dr. Chin! Or Irish, hit somebody with your big stick! This is no time for a super team-up, fellas. (And wow: Dr. Chin is married to Dr. Douche in real life. It’s a twist a minute here on Temptation Island.)

:31 I get it now. The three suns are coming together. Somebody restore the Dark Crystal or the Skexis will rule forever.

(More on Techland: Coping With LOST Letdown: May We Suggest Stargate Universe?)

Either that or Desmond is leprechaun, and his lucky charms are down there. Sorry, but oh my God, this is only a third over. Somebody give that girl a Band-Aid, she’s bleeding out.

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