It’s Friday! Maybe you just got paid. You could use that money for boring stuff like bills, rent, and food, or you could act like a wonderfully impulsive consumer and spend it on any number of products. Here are some ideas to get you started based on your taxable income bracket.
10% ($0 to $8,375)
You eat a lot of eggs on your salary. Sure, you could try to get a better job so you don’t have to eat eggs all the time, but why not just change things up a bit? Instead of oval-shaped hard boiled eggs, confuse your taste buds with mind-bending cube-shaped hard boiled eggs. All you need is the $6 Chickenborg Egg Cuber. Hell, cube everything. The fewer food items that roll off your plate, the fewer you have to eat off the floor.
15% ($8,375 to $34,000)
Buying an iPhone was a big expense for you. Naturally, you want to have it with you at all times to prevent against theft. But with pickpockets everywhere and the horrifying thought of someone swiping your phone from your nightstand, the only truly safe (and sexy) place for your favorite gadget is in a $20 pair of boxers with a pocket made especially for iPhones.
25% ($34,000 to $82,400)
You were initially excited to be a new parent but now that your child has grown a bit, the whole bedtime story thing is getting really old. How many times does Curious George have to put his interests in front of those of the Man in the Yellow Hat? Same story every… singe… night.
Automate your parental duties with this $80 digital pen doohickey. You read the story once into the damn pen and then your damn kid taps it on each page of the damn book to hear you read it back. One and done. It’s called technology, you dumb kid.
28% ($82,400 to $171,850)
Oh, to go back to the year 2009. Such a simpler time. You could save yourself from eating that salmonella-laced burger at Houlihan’s—that was a pretty dark period of your life, huh? Other than that, you could just enjoy the glory days of your repeated broken promises to work out more, random back aches brought on for no apparent reason, and swinging through the drive through on the way home knowing full well that you’ll be eating two dinners. None of this is possible without a $230 Flux Capacitor.
33% ($171,850 to $373,650)
“I need a lamp,” you tell yourself. “But not just any lamp. This lamp should look like a regular lamp but it should have magnets in it and carry a $1,500 premium over similar, non-magnetic lamps. I need this because my income dictates that I should have such things.” Lucky for you, these $1,600+ levitating lamps are just what you’re after.
35% ($373,650 and up)
Back in the old days, you couldn’t just buy a $350,000 flying car out of the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog. Those days are long gone, fortunately. No more haggling with flying car salesmen! Drive the plane on the road like a regular car and when rush hour traffic gets to be too much for you, take off into the wild blue yonder. Make sure everyone can see your SOLNGSCKRS license plate and your Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
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