This just in: a breaking report from The Galactic Empire Times is stating, per a press conference called by Lord Vader himself, that Obi-Wan Kenobi — the universe’s most wanted terrorist — is dead.
Vader’s speech was stern yet brimming with optimism:
“For over two decades, Kenobi has been the Jedi rebellion’s leader and symbol,” the Lord of the Sith said in a statement broadcast across the galaxy via HoloNet. “The death of Kenobi marks the most significant achievement to date in our empire’s effort to defeat the rebel alliance. But his death does not mark the end of our effort. There’s no doubt that the rebellion will continue to pursue attacks against us. We must and we will remain vigilant at home and abroad.”
Sources indicate the intel used to confirm the whereabouts of the “high-value target” dates back as far as last summer. Curiously, the announcement comes at a time when the authenticity of Lord Vader’s birth certificate has been challenged, calling into question the validity of his status as Emperor Palpatine’s right-hand man per Galactic Republic Laws.
The report concludes:
“No Stormtroopers were seriously harmed,” Lord Vader said. “They took care to avoid civilian casualties. After a firefight, I defeated my former master and took custody of his body.” Jedi tradition requires burial within 24 hours, but by doing it in deep space, Imperial authorities presumably were trying to avoid creating a shrine for his followers.
Joshing aside, the GET’s new layout is eerily similar to the New York Times’, and much funnier than a final-issue parody laid out by Slate yesterday.
(via GE Times)
More on TIME.com: