5 Things That Are Wrong with Killzone 2

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Playing single dad will take it out of a dude. Or at least out of this dude. It’s like there’s a magnet in my forehead and a magnet in my desk and the two are attracting each other with a force that will not be denied. In an attempt to shock my system into some semblance of alertness, I have allowed myself a Killzone 2 break.

Many pixels have been spilled describing how unbelievably awesome Killzone 2 looks, so I’m not going to spill anymore, except to say yeah, it’s all true, it looks that awesome. The destructible environments, the smoke in the air, the audio, the detail, the kickass AI — it’s like you’re going to fall through the screen, it looks that good. These guys finally cracked open that famous Cell processor and sucked out all the graphical goodness.

But you know that, because everybody says it. So let’s focus on the bads:

1. The Writing. It’s amazing. I’d say it’s a race to the bottom against Gears 2, but Killzone 2 wins by a mile. “Oh my God!” “The convoy!” “We’re getting killed down here!” Etc. It doesn’t really bother me — it’s obvious that nobody at Guerilla actually thinks their writing is good. Pretty clearly they just made a decision about it. A decision to suck.

2. The Playstation 3 Controller. I know it has a name. But its name is lame, and I will not say it. But I am saying this: the Playstation 3 controller is bad. I’m a large-handed man, and this thing is tiny — you need a jeweler’s loupe to work it. And there’s just no heft to it. I’m pretty sure it’s completely empty.

3. Weapons. I cannot for the life of me keep them straight. This will pass. However, what will not pass is that they each hold about 4 bullets each, so I spend as much time reloading as I do shooting. Maybe they should spin off an all-reloading game for people who are fans of that. They could call it Reloadzone. But this is Killzone.

4. “Sev.” Not a criticism per se, but I find it unnerving getting called “Sev” all the time. Way too much like my real name. Get your own damn name!

5. The Helghast Voices. something was creeping me out about them, but I couldn’t get it for the longest time. Then it came to me: they sound exactly like Strong Mad from Homestar Runner. I feel like I’m killing Strong Mad.

That is all. Now my head is fully on my desk.