It’s Friday! Maybe you just got paid. You could use that money for boring stuff like bills, rent, and food, or you could act like a wonderfully impulsive consumer and spend it on any number of products. Here are some ideas to get you started based on your taxable income bracket.
10% ($0 to $8,500)
Candwich: $5
We can agree that you can create your own peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for far less than $5 a pop, but for those special occasions when you really want to indulge in the finest that canned food has to offer, there’s the Candwich Canned Sandwich.
First date? Candwich. New job? Candwich. Birthday? Candwich. Death in the family? Candwich. Nuclear fallout? Candwich. It really goes with anything.
There’s a one-year shelf life and a “candy surprise” included. Just what you want out of your canned food: surprises.
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15% ($8,500 to $34,500)
Wall Projection Scale: $70
Why look down when you could look slightly less down? What are you, some sort of animal? Did we lose a war?!
This Wall Projection Scale pulls double duty by saving precious milliseconds when you to look down at the wall (versus looking all the way down at your feet—WHO HAS TIME FOR THAT?!) while keeping you enthusiastic about your weight loss goals by projecting your body weight on the wall in big, bright, six-inch numbers for all to see.
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25% ($34,500 to $83,600)
Six-Foot Posable Santa: $400
A big, creepy life-size Santa Claus is the gift that keeps on giving all year ’round. His utility is obvious during the holidays, but think of the possible uses for a life-size Santa throughout the rest of the year.
Bring him to your cousin’s wedding, drive in the carpool lane, scare away burglars, scare away neighborhood kids, scare away animals, scare away friends and loved ones—the possibilities are endless!
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28% ($83,600 to $174,400)
Your Own Action Figure: $1,700
If you’re looking for a way to immortalize yourself long after you’re gone, there’s really no better use of $1,700 than three-dimensionally mapping your own head onto an action figure or doll.
And there’s really no better way to make sure people remember you than by ordering several of each action figure or doll and placing them around the house. Nightstand? Check. Bathroom? Check. Mantle? Check. Medicine cabinet? Check. Just a nice, pleasant reminder: “HEY! I used to live here.”
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33% ($174,400 to $379,150)
Paintball (Except with Real Guns): $2,500
Let’s be honest: Paintball is fun, but it’s a) messy and b) you get paint everywhere (see “a”). Why not throw down on the Stress Vest instead?
It’s like laser tag—which is like paintball—except you use real guns (not a typo) and each successful shot “delivers either a vibration or an adjustable shock that gets worse with each hit and tops out at 4,500 volts.”
To be fair, you’re using “a crazy laser insert that goes into a REAL GUN and emits a laser burst every time you pull the trigger”—not real bullets, of course. Real bullets wouldn’t be any less messy than paintball.
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35% ($379,150 and up)
Batmobile Limo: Who cares? Buy it!
Sir or madam—may I call you sir or madam?—I assume you enjoy limousine travel as your main source of transportation, yes? Well what if I told you that instead of traveling in a standard limousine, you could be tooling around town in a limousine that looked like the Batmobile?!
Your immense income commands respect on its own, but nothing commands respect like a Batmobile limousine. It’s really something else. Look at the guy in the above picture. Do you think he’s saying to himself, “Oh. There’s another Batmobile limo. How superfluous,” or do you think he’s wishing his high school girlfriend could see him now? Sure, it’s not his limo but boy, oh, boy is he standing really close to it.
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