Hands-on with the Kinect

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The big story on Day One of E3 2010 was the Xbox 360’s motion capture gaming device, the Kinect.  Eager crowds jammed their faces up to a row of Plexiglas chambers, as demo guys showed off new titles for this ground-breaking entertainment experience.

One of the most impressive titles was Kinectimals.  A demo guy stood in front of the Kinect sensor, his body now a living controller.  He became a first-person animal trainer, taming a baby lion in the wilds of Africa.  At first, the lion cub clawed aggressively at the screen.  But soon, the player’s body motions, captured perfectly by the cutting-edge technology, calmed the nascent king of beasts.  The happy feline’s hot breath condensed on the HD screen, and glowing silhouettes of human hands mirrored the living player’s as he wiped the steam away.  The on-screen hands gently stroked Little Simba’s fur, and it was soon happily purring away.  When the demo was over, the audience was wowed by the revolutionary gaming machine.  The player’s body was interfacing perfectly, with no controller whatsoever.  And everyone watching had the same reaction:

What a loss this thing is to the world of porn.

It’s well known that the reason we innovate and master new technology is the basic human need for better porn.  From the pre-historical era, when fire was first used by aboriginal storytellers to project filthy shadow puppets onto cave walls, to the turn-of-the-last-century Zoetropes spinning with hand-drawn humping stick-figures, to the modern era of Ultimate HHDD 1,080,000p Blue Ray, porn has de-dorkified technology.  Without porn, the internet would still be that confusing nerdy thing your uncle the engineer tried to convince you was “really cool if you’d just give it a try.”  Porn teaches us who we are, and shows us where we are going.

And now the Kinect.  It is obvious to the least arousable prude that this miracle device is wasted on imaginary animal training, fake bowling, and pretend street dancing.  If you want, you can actually do those things with your actual bodies.  What you can’t do is the things people do in porn.  And Microsoft, once again living up to its flaccid name, isn’t about to let a boner anywhere near their game-changer.

What’s wrong with this company?  Don’t they like money?  Don’t they know that the most profitable phrase in the history of the species is “Title of Movie Does Not Appear on Hotel Bill”?  Surrender the Kinect to what it was clearly meant to be — a game-changing ultra-masturbator.  To block this is to hold back the course of human civilization, no — evolution.  Trust me, Bill Gates, if you put porn on the Kinect, you finally rule the world.